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Dating 101:Can you meet your soul mate on Yelp?

dice-161376__180 Q. Do you Yelp?

 A. Only If I am pinched!

Can you meet your soul mate on Yelp?

Dear Page,

I am 43, single again and decided to start over – and date younger women. I went online – decided to look for women on Yelp. I am a big Yelp Review Dude. In three months, I have dated six much younger women – all dead ends.

First, I met Danniey – she said she was “26 and a restaurant critic.” Curious, I asked her where she had recently dined she sent me her three recent reviews. This is “whot she wrote”

Too Fat: This place is by far the worst burger place I have went to.

Coming into Fat Burger, three people greeted us. I thought that was so sweet of them. Not a lot of burger joints will greet you that way. Anyways, it took my friend and I a while to figure out what we want. They go by weight of the meat and you have options of toppings to put on your burger

My friend and I got the same meal! Which was the 1/3 burger. The only difference between our food was that I got curly fries and he got skinny fries.

Fowl Play: Once before I got fried chicken with their tartar sauce with sides of rice and potato salad. My food came out and it looked delicious. In my opinion, the portion of the chicken were so big that it was really filling. I enjoyed the potato salad on the side.

It was my friend’s birthday and we decided to drink before we decided to go to this place. It was a little after 10:30pm when we ordered and my friends and I were super hungry. To be honest, I don’t remember being too loud but according to one of the workers there, we were being “way too loud” The owner says,”We’re closed, the kitchen is closed.” Apparently she was trying to kick us out. We will not go back. Ever.

We went to Fishermans Grotto in Frisco – very high class. Really good place to have clam chowder when you are near the Pier. They had two types of clam chowder (Boston and I forgot what the other one was called.) Both served in a bread bowl of desired. I also ordered calamari. It was good but not the best I have had. The place was really fancy and high classed.

On the phone, – she is a sweet girl. I was thinking Eliza Dolittle – then, decided against it.

Next was Shenikqua –  29, divorced, outgoing, friendly and lives in the Mission. Her Yelp handle is “On  a mission.” We spoke on the phone – she really wanted me to go her nail salon with her. She sent me her Yelp review – and this is what she wrote:

Darn, be pretty is taking too much of my time. Me like this nail salon. Gentlemen are welcome too.. I’ve seen several men came in to get their mani, pedi ( without painting ) & also facial treatments..;). You guys will be treated like a King, lol .. Heaven isn’t far away !!

I use to double my happiness by grabbing an Ice Sea Salt Coffee from 85 Bakery ( it was in the same plaza ) and enjoy my Queen’s time …Highly recommend this salon !! Life is short .. Just reward yourself with some simple pleasures …We never know what’s going to happen tomorrow, right ?!!

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I knew from the start we probably might not be a fit. Her Nail salon date and review blew me away.

photo_1186_20060227ace hearts

Then I met Kellie aka “Missy Food Xpert” in San Mateo. She, too, was happy to send me her review of a good restaurant for a first date.

The Fry House

The combination of meat, salad & sauce were delicious and tasty. I can’t help myself when I saw the chili hot sauce, adding on the spice always make it better for me. Be careful if you’re not into spicy side because this sauce is Smocking Hot..

This place is new, clean and fun decorations. There’s tables for dine in but with quite a bit amount of customers it will be hard for a big group or family.

Page, Yelp is not the place to meet single women. I struck out. Any ideas?

New in Town and Searching

Dear New In Town,

You get Gold Stars for trying! First: Date your own decade. Next, look at this: Get Your Mojo Moving. Try those Top 5 tips and let me know how that works for you.

Peace, Page Larkin

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Matchmaker, matchmaker! Tell me the truth

5rhl-ksrydq-dino-reichmuth-2Once upon a time, in that quaint, little village nestled in the mountains –

you had to consult with a Matchmaker to score a date and a mate.

Mae West once said, “A hard man is good to find.”

Aeons ago, any man was good to find. Today, we have a plethora of possibilities:  the Top Ten Online Dating companies  (Note: most are owned by the same company)

However, there are a passel of so-called Matchmakers lurking in the shadows- seeking out Mr Lonely and Just Widowed –

aka ripe for the picking.

bad photos12A quick look at Yelp reviews for so-called Matchmakers/Sonoma/Sacramento/San Francisco divulges sad stories.

“I naively went through theTEN coaching sessions paying close to $2000, and then she did NOTHING. once I was allowed  to “enter her inner dating circle”.  She basically took the money and ran!  I reached out twice very politely asking what was going on, and both times I got a run around about her life issues and how they were hindering her professional life. Whoa- then give me my $2000 back! … an unbelievable and expensive rip off/ let down.”

“Ms Romance wanted me to go through a 10-session dating coaching/therapy program before she would determine whether she would accept me into her roster of matchable. Ha!”

“This business is a total rip off, they are fake.  Stay away!  My first , in person interview lasted almost three hours at their Santa Rosa office.  I am an attractive , intelligent, senior woman; I was told they had plenty of compatible men to introduce me to. The sales woman asked me many personal questions about my life style.”

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And so, boys and girls – before Handing over the $3,ooo – $6,000 (for men)

Tell all your friends and relatives you are ready to date. Start looking up and around. Start smiling at other people. Look at Meetup.com , Read Johnny FunCheap, join the Sierra Club; sign up for salsa or swing dance lessons; go to San Francisco Giants Games…got off the couch, and out of the house, Today.

Always Research any and all dating companies. Avoid the charlatans parading as experts.75

You are welcome.

A Good Match

Rocky relationship? Four letter word solution

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Dear Page Larkin

Help! I am 50+, lived in Oakland and work for in retail for major department store. Mr. Right is 70 and lived in San Francisco. He is retired and makes a whopper of Wampum writing Yelp reviews. We are in love.

After dating for eight months- and spending every weekend and holiday together, we decided living apart was too expensive, involved too much driving and we wanted to live together full-time. His condo was too tiny my apartment was too crowded for two.

Love conquers all?

We found the perfect cottage in Berkeley, signed the lease and moved in a month later. Weekends were like a honeymoon. On Monday mornings, I get up and go to work and leave him to revel in our little rose-covered cottage, with a fountain bubbling in the backyard, birds singing in the trees, Peet’s coffee is close. The Gourmet Ghetto – a short jaunt away.

 As a ghostwriter – he has plenty of clients and even more down time. I work in HR and am constantly putting out fires, hiring and firing, and training- children. The staff we hire all twenty-somethings with a cavalier attitude towards work, showing up, being on time. “Etiquette” is a foreign French word they, generally, have never grasped.Several new employees were baffled by the fact they can’t wear their pajamas and Uggs to work. Go figure- in a department store.

 Lucky for me, each night, Mr. Right has a glass of wine and a small hors d’oeuvre waiting for me in the garden. He loves to cook and spoils me. Sounds like perfection, right?

There is one small problem, he snores and talks in his sleep. In the beginning, I thought it was so cute: the darling little rumblings and ramblings he would utter while sleeping. The snoring was curbed with a little elbow to the ribs and he would turn over, the snoring would cease. In our new home – one bedroom – we are closer than we have ever been -many hours a day, every day of the week.

I’ve done a lot of research to find out there is a surgery that one can have to cure snoring and there’s also the very expensive sleep machine… both of these sound like good solutions to a very noisy problem. What should I do?

Dear Marcy at Macys,

Isn’t it romantic? Your story-rife with romance and a rose-covered cottage is delightful and the cacophony of snores from Mr Right isn’t unique. Some of my best friends…

Your simple solution is a four-letter word: CPAP

It is said, a CPAP machine has saved more marriages than Dr. Phil.

Continuous Positive Airway Pressure (CPAP) is the leading therapy for sleep apnea. Patients wear a face or nasal mask during sleep. The mask, connected to a pump, provides a positive flow of air into the nasal passages in order to keep the airway open.

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Check it out! And let me know how that works for you.                                                      Love, Page

 

For help with your suddenly single and dating queries – send a question to Page.larkin@gmail.com

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