Not Married Now Club.
We walk out of the courtroom glazed, delighted, defeated, feeling numb or ecstatic and newly appointed: divorced.
Some of us throw a party – replete with champagne and pizza – or darts and beer. Others take to their beds, and watch a full season of Occupied, Broadchurch, or Happy Valley on Netflix, barely paying attention.
Some are already enmeshed in a new relationship and seek sex, refuge and understanding.
Whatever your state (grace, confusion, ire, relief) take the proper amount of processing time.
When you are ready, gently remove and discard the shroud around your heart. It may take awhile. Or not.
Next, shred the mountains of documents and go outside.
Go Outside: Watch the sunrise, take a walk, enjoy/join humanity in your new identity as a Single Person : Suddenly Single Not Married Now. Free at last.
Feeling odd and out of sorts or splendid?
Take your time to return to a social whirlwind or even to a small gust of activity. Even though 50% of us have walked through the valley of divorce, like snowflakes: no two are alike.
My friend once confided that her neighbor was going to the exact same divorce scenario as I had endured. Really?
She pleaded for me to consult with her neighbor. I reluctantly agreed – we spoke on the phone-indeed, there were a striking number of similarities.
Girls, we aim to please – it is what we do. (Oprah calls it as “The Disease to Please) I agreed to meet Jaquie for coffee.
She had six months of divorce filings, co-parenting, and attorney meetings under her belt. Evidently, I was considered “An Expert Witness” with years worth of E-Ticket divorce-land experience.
She came to the coffee shop with her boyfriend, Clive, whose picture I had just seen on Match.com.
He stayed just a minute, said he was, “Going to pop out and go shopping.” Yes, he did shop around.
Jaquie and I fell into an easy conversation as similar as we were – we were worlds apart.
She’s been married for 9.75 years and her father-in-law was a multi-millionaire. He had invented Post-it notes or glue 0r something very significant.
She reported she had huge financial resources and that she might go back to school and become a pastry chef. She and Clive had been together for three months and she was quite smitten.
(I checked later that day, Clever Clive was alive and looking on Match.com) Red flag, sweetheart!
The more we spoke, the quicker the similarities evaporated. Our differences expanded like those skinny sponges – simply add water and, bingo! You don’t even recognize the original, flat concept. She was on her own path. Ta, ta!
Keep your divorce to yourself
Good friends may inquire about your divorce. There is no reason to bore them with the details. So, hire a therapist. Level with your therapist. Take a spinning class – do all kinds of catharsis, but don’t bore your friends and family.
Welcome to The Club
And know: when you walk into the store, the library, or the post office: 50% of the people in line are also divorced… and that group at Starbucks, and that class you are taking? Yep, truth be told: 50%.
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