Suddenly Single… Minded

Welcome to the Wild and Whimsical World of Internet Dating

Your cheating heart?

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Allison had been working in finance for 17 years. She was the consummate professional and well-respected in the top floor suites at Embarcadero office.

And she was still single

She was an early adapter at Bumble.com and Tinder and a host of other “Get me a date” sites. “Nothing panned out,” is the way she crisply explained her dating experience to peers.

Secretly, she kept a flow chart: she analyzed when, and with whom she went out with and what she wore, and where they went. One morning, She woke up 33 years old,  and the slow creep of panic took over. She had visions of Mrs. Haverisham-the old maid- bleeding in her brain.

The following week, Raul A., client in good standing (read-wildly successful in Tech) came in the office and they smiled amiably to one another.

As fate would have it, they left the office at the same time and chatted in the elevator and rode 32 floors, alone, (fate?) chatting. He was very polite and cordial. She was professional and a tiny, bit flirty.

As they walked into the lobby, he said he had hour to kill before his ferry – would she be interested in a glass of wine at the Slanted Door?

Bewitched and not bothered or bewildered she agreed. He was tall dark handsome married, zero kids, this would be a professional tête-à-tête.

They both ordered wine – obviously enjoyed one another-she was the first to look at her watch and gracefully leave “the client” with whom she liked. A lot.

The following week, he finished an appointment with a partner and at 4:55. As he walked out of the office he nodded to Allison and gestured very discreetly “meet across the street?” She smiled and nodded, yes.

She gathered her purse, paused a few minutes in the ladies room to touch up her makeup and hair, unbutton the top button of her in her blouse and dab her wrists with perfume.

This time she met him at the door the restaurant – both laughing like school kids with a scheme. Conversation flowed. Allison was careful to limit herself to one glass of wine, and an appetizer appeared. He caught the second ferry that night.

She was smitten. No man had paid her that much attention in years. The next day she had more blonde streaks added, change her nail color to “Jungle Red,” bought some sexy lingerie before she said, ”Slow down, Allison he is married.”

Married, yes and handsome, smart, wealthy, no kids and he texted her once a day which she lived for. There were some slight rumblings, understated, regarding his wife and her idiosyncrasies. Evidently his parents were not very fond of her.

He had a trip to Asia coming up and said would be gone for a week. He asked if she would like to go to a real dinner after the trip.

The week he was gone, she took two yoga classes, bought a new dress, sexy shoes and an expensive bag; she had a mani/pedi at Dolls and Dandy, a massage and facial and had her blonde tresses blown out.

That day, he texted her that he had to cancel the meeting at the office (her heart fell.) However, he wondered if she would meet him at Jardinière the following week at 7 PM She set her timer for 15 minutes, and devised three, nonchalant, noncommittal, calm responses. When her timer chimed, she casually agreed to meet (heart racing.)

Dinner was a date. He met her at the door as she arrived and held her chair for her. The truth began to tumble like a tiny avalanche: his wife was great-well, not really – his parents hated her – she was kind well – actually, very moody, frequently bored, and a triathlete. She was always in training. He had to do all the shopping, house stuff, oversee the cook,  hire housekeepers, etc.

Alison was head over heels and he knew it. She knew he felt the same way. And so it began: the once-a-week date with a married man. She had such visions dancing in her head-Romance, love, the future…

Three months later

People in the office noticed she had slimmed down a bit, she had a new hair do, better make up, cuter, better fitting clothes.  They teased her her that online dating was really working for her. She laughed.

Dear Reader, we all know how this Greatest Married Man love story 2018 ends: Triathlete wife gets pregnant.

Allison was shocked. How could she be? He told they never had sex. Was Wifey cheating?

Surely it wasn’t an immaculate conception.  No, sheepishly he admitted: once, one time, she talked him into “it”.

Now with the Pregger’s wife and the baby on the way, he would have to break it off. He was so sorry. They were at Tadich’s, in a booth in the back, when he broke the news. Tears were streaming down her cheeks, her feet felt like clay; she wanted to run and she couldn’t move. She was in shock. She knew a barrage of words were coming out of his mouth, she couldn’t hear them.

She was wearing her brand-new cocktail dress and new shoes- she had a blowout that morning- the woman at Dior had done her makeup.

Heads turn as she walked out of the restaurant. She looked straight ahead. Stoic.

She climbed into the cab at the curb and went home.

Allison cried for days. She called in sick and binged on Netflix for three days.

Candidly:  No lover, if he be of good faith, and sincere, will deny he would prefer to see his mistress dead than unfaithful.

Marquis de Sade

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Gullibles Travels – a hoax by any other name?

Piltdown man is reputed to be the biggest hoax of the century.

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However, the famous Kurt Vonnegut MIT commencement speech, Wear Sunscreen, has to be right up there with the Top 10 Internet Hoaxes.

Vonnegut is famous for his writing, especially:  Slaughterhouse Five and Breakfast of ChampionsBoth were mandatory reading in the ‘70’s for members of the Boom Boom Generation.

Vonnegut, an icon and a hero, supposedly delivered The 1997 speech at MIT.

It was a shopping list of life’s lessons filled with glib advice and pithy pointers on living well and coloring outside the lines:

  • Do one thing every day that scares you.
  • Sing.
  • Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts. Don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.
  • Floss.
  • Don’t waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind. The race is long and, in the end, it’s only with yourself.
  • Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
  • Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.
  • Stretch.
  • Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don’t.

Unlike many commencement speeches, the clever discourse both resonated and inspired.  Myriad copies of the speech flew around the world via e-mail and  bounced off one country and ricocheted back.

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In reality,  the piece was  written by a well known, highly respected, columnist by the name of Mary Schmich of the Chicago Tribune. For a long while, as the hoax simmered and sparked, Schmich received zero credit for her well constructed, witty, life’s lessons. Another life’s lesson: you can’t believe everything you read.

Caveat Emptor
As you meander through a forest of on line dating profiles, remove your rose colored glasses.

Learn the all important skill of reading between the lines. Remember the funny and fowl line: if it looks and quacks like a duck- he is not a prince in shining armor.

Truth is divine. Dance like no one is watching.


He wanted a Barbie doll

 

John is a divorced dentist in South San Francisco and was afraid all women were gold-diggers and would be all over him like a wet suit – for his “money.”

He really just wants a wife. Since the divorce three years ago, he has been helpless as a lamb in a snow-storm. He has no idea about what to do in any kitchen- therefore, DoorDash– is his best friend. Dinner is delivered promptly each evening.

Being a doctor and all, he considers himself “pretty cool.” Dr. Online Dating is now good on a first date – he slowly learned the ropes and is now adept at wining and dining. He admits, his goal is to be in a relationship and, truthfully, he prefers a “Barbie.”beauty-1260975__340-2

His sister, Mimi, was supportive and helped get him up and running on Match. She advised him to cast his net wide and far. However, Dr. John was pretty sure he wanted a Barbie doll. He would only look at tall blondes who lived within 20 miles.
In reality, he is 5’6 – on his profile he said he was 5’ 9. He rationalized that he had been     “boosted” by wearing Dansco clogs since Med school  (a version of elevator shoes.)  He was after a younger, 5’8, blonde, woman.

Proud of his career, yet skeptical of gold-diggers, Dr John waits until the second date before he discloses his real career.  He knew women would be impressed with dating a doctor; he should have known people’s pre-conceived notions (fear and loathing) about dentists. He found out, there are a lot of  women who avoid going to the dentist.

After nine dead-end dates, John started a spreadsheet to analyze: who he saw, where they went, if she was a “winner” and if she allowed him to kiss her.  It dawned on him               (thanks to a talking to by his sister) he was not a Ken Doll and a Barbie would not be looking for a middle aged man, with limited hobbies,  who can’t cook, who lies about his career until Date Number Two.

John’s New Year Resolution is to calm down, tell the truth, date his own age group and erase the Must be Barbie rule.

We think he will have a lot more fun, don’t you?

Beware of the Marina Playboys?

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Dear Page Larkin,

Melissa, my BFF, just told me that my former “boyfriend” is doing the Marina bar scene has turned into “Mr. Tinder.”

A friend of a friend told her she had seen him on Tinder and he had been seen at various Marina and Union Street watering holes with a different woman, every week. This guy, Alex played me like a fiddle. We, too, met on Tinder. He was cute and flirty and claimed to being way over his divorce.

We had drinks at my favorite pub, and I fell like a ton of bricks. I was seduced by his flattery. He gazed at me told me I was beautiful and later he commented on how sexy I appeared. Prince Charming laid it on thick and, for some reason, I was buying.

This popular pub is famously noisy and one must lean in to hear. Our knees were touching under the tiny table. As he looked into my eyes, he reached for my hand. (Electricity.)  Then he asked if he could kiss me. All this is before we’ve even had our drinks served

I’ll cut the chase and just say I fell fast and hard for this guy. I have met a parade of guys only looking for a one-night stand. Been there done that. This was different. He was sincere. After a few drinks, and a heart to heart conversation, and disclosing we were both looking for more than just one night stand – I went back to his place.

None of my girlfriends were shocked when I told them that Prince Charming sent me a text the next day telling me how wonderful I am.

Then he lamented he was still grappling with the divorce and all that entailed.

Again a steady stream of compliments came the clinker: let’s be friends.  (Wait for it). With benefits. 

I cancelled Tinder. I cancelled Alex the Playboy who is sowing his so-called Newly Divorced oats… corn and tripe.  Please warn all the girls out there.

Ursula

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Dear Ursula,
Thank you for sharing your experience. It must have been painful for you. You are lucky to have girl friends who look out for you.
Unfortunately, your story is not a new one.Beware the wolf in sheep’sclothing and be more discerning before you leap into bed with anyone

Cheers,
Page 

 

 

 

 

 

The missing email ruins everything?


You may have been have been “Lost in Space”…and didn’t even know it.

It happens.

In the wide, wonderful, world of online dating  e-mails, every once in awhile that very special pivotal electronic message gets lost in “Ether Space.”

It’s the Netherworld, that 10th Ring of Hell where, just like socks, e-mails go missing.

 What? Me, worry?

And, yes, dear- Online Dating Beginner… it has happened to you. You just didn’t realize it. What you considered to be a rejection or a rebuff,

in reality, may have simply been a “Triple E, an Ether Evaporated E-mail”.

Single in Sausalito, Rusty,  wrote Bernadette  a beautifully crafted, romantic poem of epic proportions in response to her invitation for a weekend in the Wine Country. For two days, she patiently perched near her computer waiting for this response. Nada. Zilch. Zero response.

Bernadette sadly concluded Rusty was ‘Not that into her.’

The longer she ruminated- the more she thought – “Heh! Perhaps he was a bit of cur and  the she concluded: “What a jerk. Next.”

Upon return from the weekend of swimming, wine tasting, tennis, chess, and charades with her friends, she checked her emails. There she finally discovered the most eloquent, poetic, e-mail from Rusty accepting her invitation.  Unfortunately, the long awaited e-mail was lost in the far recesses of Ether Space for several days before surfacing. It happens.

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Erin  tells the story of meeting “The most wonderful man from Santa Fe” while waiting for a plane at Denver International. Due to “weather” and delayed flights, they spent 4 hours chatting, having coffee and being totally mesmerized with one another. They exchanged business cards and e-mail addrsses and reluctantly boarded planes to their respective homes.

She  knew she had met her soul mate. And then, she never heard from him again. She garnered  the courage and sent three  e-mails- in three weeks- and never heard a word back from her “potential soul mate.” Chalking it up to a “C’est la vie” event – she went on. Disappointed.

One year to the month later, she was in line at the MOMA and ‘Santa Fe guy’ walked up -looked at Erin and point blank asked “Why didn’t you respond to my e-mails?”  She asked him the same question.

Lost in Space…She is now Married Erin and living a happily ever after life

There is a new saying, “When in doubt: don’t Rescind the invitation, Resend”.

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“We Need to Talk” the four scariest words known to man


Which four little words strike terror in the hearts of men?

The most virile, robust, brawny man can be instantly reduced to a quaking, quivering puddle of ‘uh-oh’ when he hears the infamous, “We need to talk.”

It’s Pavlovian.

Men hear “We need to talk ” and instantly break out in panic and alarm. Peter in Milpitas  said, “Everyman knows those four words are code for “You are in big trouble, buddy”

There are no visions of sugarplums dancing in guy’s heads.

It’s more like visions of: The Breaking-up Talk; “Weapons of Mass Discussion” and the inevitable “The Top 10 things you did wrong, dude”.

Men have said that hearing “The Four Words” is far more intimidating than hearing these four ~

  • · Pull the vehicle over
  • · Your grades came today
  • · Your boss is calling
  • · Test results are here
  • · We’re going Christmas shopping
  • · The kids found your_____

 Even a towering Tony Soprano type can be reduced to a blithering George Costanza upon hearing you say, “We need to talk”.   

So, ladies: use these Four Words with caution and discretion. All the great lovers in history had issues and peace talks.

Think of Bonnie and Clyde, Ozzie and Harriet, Bill and Hillary, Homer and Marge. Be judicious.

Tis the season to be jolly and… talk amongst yourselves.

Brilliant riposte: Dear Page Larkin- dating dilemmas


Dear Page Larkin,

When Kath and I started dating, ((she’s 65, I’m 70) she was romantic and spontaneous. Four years later, she is less available. My job is the resason: we only see each other on weekends due to distance and driving. She claims she’s tired of the driving. I call the 18 miles from my house to her apartment “Our 18-mile Hallway.” She used to think that was romantic. Now, she wants to move into my house. I cherish my man-cave and don’t wish a full-time roommate.

Henry VIII

Dear Henry VIII

Dude, Fish or cut bait. Kath’s lack of luster may be in direct proportion to your unwillingness to take it up a notch. I imagine, at 65 she may be planning for the future and thinking your interest is waning with your dead end weekend-only arrangements.

Peace, Page

Dear Page,

I met a great guy online (retired SF Fireman, divorced thrice.) We took it very slow. We have both been hurt and have six adult kids between us. Our on-and-off again relationship took a turn for the better after he received an inheritance and could pay off all his debts. Flush, he moved in with me, redecorated my kitchen, the master bath, and transferred my pathetic garden to Sunset magazine cover. Then, much to my dismay, he got bored and started playing golf with the boys and having drinks.

My home is beautiful and empty. And, he has virtually disappeared. My friends say,  “Toss the bum out.”  I ’m thinking about going online just to look for other single men. Good idea?

Sunset Years need Sunshine

Dear Sunset Years

Close one door before you open another. Talk to the Lukewarm Fireman and tell him your feelings about six-hour golf games and drinks, thereafter.  Do you miss him? Tell him. This is your call:  decide iif you want to be a classic ‘Golf Widow’ or “In the Game?”

Carpe diem, Page

Page Larkin,

I just met George on a dating site. He is great guy by all accounts, except for one. While he says he’s divorced, he still lives with his Ex and may share the same bed.  He says it’s a very small apartment and a foldout bed in the living room is lumpy.  Should I be worried?

Besty of No Bed Bugs

Dear Betsy of No Bed-bugs

Hmm, where else could Johnny possibly sleep? Think: a cot, an air mattress, the couch, in Air B&B, a guestroom, a sleeping bag.  I would say Johnny lacks initiative and you should lack interest. Move on, girlfriend. You can do better.

Moving on,  Page

Ms. Larkin,

My randy and retired neighbor, Stan, trolls Craigslist every day in hopes of a “Nooner.”  I know his wife is a nurse – she works a classic 12-hour shift- and he invites women into his house for casual sex.  How do I know this? He told me. Should I tell his wife?

Good neighbor Sherry

Dear Good neighbor Sherry

This is classic: NOYB.  While you think you would be helping – this is none of your business.   Pay attention to your own wife, life and commitments.

Peace, Page

Hello, Page,

Since when did everyone start kissing and holding hands on the first date? I met three different men, three different nights,  for drinks downtown last week. After the second drink, they all became very lovey-dovey. I wasn’t feeling it. Am I out to lunch? 

ShampainCocktails

Hello, ShampainCocktails,

You might consider trying “daytime dates” involving coffee – not cocktails – in clean well-lighted places. Let me know if you don’t experience a 100% change in attitudes and platitudes

Peace and love,Page

Dear Ms. Larkin,

My dad, “56,” has been divorced and single for 20 years.  He just announced that he wants to get married again.  He has turned into a dating machine. He goes out with a different woman three nights a week. The money he spends on dinners, drinks and flowers, etc. could buy me a condo.

He left his computer on and I looked at his dating profile. He claims to be  46, a runner, a movie buff, and a gym rat. He is not seen a gym or run a mile since high school. Shall I tell him to smarten up?

Peggy in Pleasant Hill

Dear Peggy,

NOYB:  What your dear old dad does is none of your business.  And, you are snooping and sneaky to read his private material. I’m sure you’d expect the same respect. Wish your Dad well-  it’s his romantic research. Not yours.

Peace, Page


Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.  Mark Twain

 

Brilliant

The First Date: the coffee date “Hey, look me over”


You’ve seen them at coffee shops, restaurants, and Starbucks. You can tell.

 She walks in, looking around for a complete stranger. She glances at the faces of every male in the room – seriously hoping her first date-guy looks like the photo he posted online.

When the ‘closest facsimile’ waves her over to his table, with a broad smile, she cautiously walks over to join him. She is still walking on thin ice and treading lightly. You notice they both have fake and cautious smiles plastered on their faces, half nervous, half curious.

Sticker Shock

Both are quickly adjusting to the “First-Meeting Sticker Shock.” Their minds are racing like a deck of shuffling cards.

Best-case inner dialogue could be: “Phew. Wow. What a relief! Looks exactly like the photo,” or worst-case scenario, both parties -with frozen smiles and minds racing with thoughts like: “What was I thinking? What a mistake. OMG. How can I get out of this? How long do I have to stay? Check please. Please.”

It’s a Dance…

You have to admire people who take the plunge, who get out there and do the dating dance. Somedays it’s like a waltz – other times it’s the Twist…or a jitterbug- fast and frenetic. When two hearts and minds collide and match – that’s the best.

For every couple grimacing through the awkward stages of meeting somebody for coffee for the first time, there are hundreds of us sitting at home pretending to be satisfied with watching TV with a cat, cruising the free dating sites… and all that other single, solitary, alone stuff.


Bravo to the brave of heart
who wear their hearts on their sleeves and get out there and make the effort to meet somebody new. 

Gold Stars and Gold Medals all around for the brave and the few. It’s a New Day – a New Year Why not put your single, big toe into the Dating Game?

 

Remember: Today is the first day of the rest of your social life. Get out there and have fun.

Cheer Up, Binkie. Get inspired Put these on Post-it notes:

” When we are unable to find tranquility within ourselves, it is useless to seek it elsewhere.” François de la Rochefoucauld

“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You’re on your own. And you know what you know. You are the guy who’ll decide where to go.” – Dr. Seuss

“By persistently remaining single, a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation.” – Oscar Wilde

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“If you are single there is always one thing you should take out with you on a Saturday night… your friends.” – Sex in the City

Oprah says it all

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The  full transcript of Oprah Winfrey’s Acceptance Speech at the Emmys

In 1964, I was a little girl sitting on the linoleum floor of my mother’s house in Milwaukee watching Anne Bancroft present the Oscar for best actor at the 36th Academy Awards. She opened the envelope and said five words that literally made history: “The winner is Sidney Poitier.” Up to the stage came the most elegant man I had ever seen. I remember his tie was white, and of course his skin was black, and I had never seen a black man being celebrated like that. I tried many, many times to explain what a moment like that means to a little girl, a kid watching from the cheap seats as my mom came through the door bone tired from cleaning other people’s houses. But all I can do is quote and say that the explanation in Sidney’s performance in “Lilies of the Field”:
“Amen, amen, amen, amen.”
In 1982, Sidney received the Cecil B. DeMille award right here at the Golden Globes and it is not lost on me that at this moment, there are some little girls watching as I become the first black woman to be given this same award. It is an honor — it is an honor and it is a privilege to share the evening with all of them and also with the incredible men and women who have inspired me, who challenged me, who sustained me and made my journey to this stage possible. Dennis Swanson who took a chance on me for “A.M. Chicago.” Quincy Jones who saw me on that show and said to Steven Spielberg, “Yes, she is Sophia in ‘The Color Purple.'” Gayle who has been the definition of what a friend is, and Stedman who has been my rock — just a few to name.
 
 
I want to thank the Hollywood Foreign Press Association because we all know the press is under siege these days. We also know it’s the insatiable dedication to uncovering the absolute truth that keeps us from turning a blind eye to corruption and to injustice. To — to tyrants and victims, and secrets and lies. I want to say that I value the press more than ever before as we try to navigate these complicated times, which brings me to this: what I know for sure is that speaking your truth is the most powerful tool we all have. And I’m especially proud and inspired by all the women who have felt strong enough and empowered enough to speak up and share their personal stories. Each of us in this room are celebrated because of the stories that we tell, and this year we became the story.
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Time to put Your Big Toe in the Dating Pool?

Do you take a Swan Dive or Flip into

Internet Dating Pool?

San Francisco: The Dating Playground of Life…replete with lots of slides…a few swings – many merry-go-rounds-and a whole lotta teeter-tottering going on.

 

If you’re like me, and you might be Suddenly Single…

So, you seek out kindred spirits – people of substance, wit, humor, a certain joie de vivre.

You take the time to ascertain exactly what you are looking for...heck, you even make a list.

At this stage of the game – You’ve kissed a few frogs.
Okay, you did more than just kiss that frog…it was dark – it was late- and when he softly whispered “ribit” in your ear…and he queried breathlessly, “Your pad or mine, Lily?”  You succumbed.

 

So you’ve got The List- including a plethora of important aspects, qualities, virtues, facets of man  (Or- woman) of your dreams…
Age, height, education, general background, appearance, temperment, Peet’s v Starbucks, have they read anything SINCE  The Da Vinci code?
And:
The TWO Biggies:

*1. Have they been married before? (How many times? And for how long?)
* 2. And, what kind of a parent are they?

If he reveals he: ‘Only has one more $25.00 child support payment left’
Lace up your Easy Spirit running shoes and dart!

 Perhaps they are 50+ and never been married?
That’s  okay… Ask just  how long was that last  “meaningful” relationship and are they still talking to one another? Why did it end?


Back to The List –

HOT TIP: You should carefully analyze – if your idea of “foreplay” is two hours at The Outlets and Nordstrom Rack – and he is a couch potato…. who “couches” foreplay, fiveplay and every play he can think of with the insipid sentence “I love to snuggle,” Either don the running shoes or get the bunny slippers out. Your call.

On your ‘Must Have list’ – you might list: Integrity at the very top.

We wandered into a unique Marin County ‘Dive Bar’ the other night…
It was an eclectic crowd – and the bragging rights were attached to the fact that some men had logged over 1000 (one-thousand) HOURS at the bar.
One thousand hours – sitting on a bar stool – and thye were proud of it. Next!

So – don’t go there. 
We don’t have to go to bars to meet singles of the opposite sex – nor should a gentleman over 50 be trawling the bar scene.
Get fins, mask, – oxygen- lots of oxygen and get ready for the plunge...into the Pool of Internet Dating.

Plan on having a good time.

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