Suddenly Single… Minded

Welcome to the Wild and Whimsical World of Internet Dating

Archive for the category “midlife dating”

New at the Dating Game? So is this lady

Caught in the World Wide Web
of laughs, lines, and libertines
And, this ain’t no Charlotte’s Web

Dear Page,

I am one to peruse Match.com on occasion – okay, twice a day -whether I need to or not.
I have grown accustomed to his smiles. You know – the smiles of the guys in the 40 to 50 year old range.

That’s my milieu, 40-50…Match advises a decade age span to best attract the future date of the month.
If I were to listen to Rayella, in my yoga class, I would subscribe to her theory that all guys on the WWW lie.
She said, “None of the men online are the age they claim to be” She said, “All of them use photos from years ago.”
Antique photos?

No, no, say it isn’t so…
I dismissed her pessimism and attributed that dour point of view to her curly red hair and whiny personality…
in addition, she is a size 2, you know what that means-what could she possibly know?

An optimist, and new at the new scene for singles, I hopped aboard the Fun Train of Internet dating and before I could memorize my new password, 27 men had looked me over and 16 had winked at me.

Well, maybe it was a blink. Could be a nervous twitch. So I started winking, blinking, nodding.The conundrum, is -Socrates asked it first – (Frosh year philosophy)
What is truth?

On my virgin voyage on Craigslist – I posted a flirty ad.  I met a  man who fianlly admitted he was married (instantly declared null and void)

met one playboy /one dating dabbler, and some very angry people.

…and then were the 40 yr olds and the 65 year olds and then the “photo only” types, the “hit and runs” – mean and caustic remarks posted and then they vanish sans backbone.

I thought: It’s got to get better. And it did. Although, not online.

Best to all of us singles in this quest.

I doff my cap -and quoff my cafe latte – to all those enterprising men and women out there – skating through life – skating on the thin ice of internet dating…

Gina in Burlingame

Dear Gina in Burlingame,

I love this Steve Jobs quote about starting over- see if it fits for you.

I didn’t see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.   Steve Jobs

Sex drive in neutral? 4 Fab Libido-Lifting Foods to the resuce

Oysters on the half shell – not the solution anymore.

There is a school of thought which professes eating oysters and quaffing champagne as the panacea to a low flying libido. For centuries, oysters have long been deemed the food of love. Myth has it the lustful Casanova ate dozens of oysters a day. Rumor has it, chilies and curries may heat up you sex life, too. Others swear dark chocolate is the key to carnal knowledge.

The Wizard, Dr Oz The famous and ubiquitous Dr Oz has recently come out the Top Four Lust Enhancing super foods. Batteries, champagne and chocolate, not included.

If your sex drive is in ‘neutral’, get thee to a grocery store, today, and pick up these Dr. Oz ideas for enhancing your sexual appetite.

The Fab Four Foods to Whet your Sexual Appetite:


1. Ginger – When you are hot – a stimulating and warming herb said to increase circulation all over.

2. Halibut – A fish known to be so delicious and so promiscuous – leaves you wanton – more? The real thrust is Omega-3’s – a must for “the Big O” says Dr O.

3. Pumpkin Seeds -a handful of these tiny seeds is said to be a” kick start” for your libido and increase- a desire to be romantically inclined.

4. Asparagus, instantly recognized by its own suggestive shape, happens to be high in vitamin E, considered one of the sex hormone stimulants.

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What’s on the Menu Tonight?

Check other people’s shopping baskets as you cruise the aisles of the grocery store today.  You should see a veritable school of fish, bags of pumpkin seeds, ginger by the handful, and bunches of asparagus.

Remember: Don’t be bitter…be sweet

Simply add a healthy dose of candlelight, fresh flowers, soft music and bon appetite and bon nuit, baby cakes.

Passionate for an Aphrodisiac? Good news: Chocolate does contain an active ingredient called phenyl ethylamine that is natural and effective for stimulating sex drive.

Yum!

Bitter

Her family tree was missing a few branches

Chrissie was a cute, blonde, 30-something, looking of love in all the wrong places.

She dated a boy in college for three years and it “didn’t work out.” After grad school, she met “the love of her life” and they eventually moved in together. A year later, she met his mother who slowly, subtly, quizzed Chrissie on her family, her up bringing, and her values.

As she skated on thin ice, Chrissie tried to paint a Norman Rockwell Life story. The holes in her story were so big you could drive a Tesla through them. Chrissie had told her “perfect life story” so many times, it tripped lightly off her tongue. Until she met “his mother.”

The Maybe-a-Mother-in-law was curious. He son had advised her, “Do not ask about her mother. Please.” Naturally, that was the first thing she wanted to inquire about.  She approached the subject in the most strategic fashion – she danced around light questions about schools, degrees, goals, and where Chrissie’s family lived. There was no doubt who was in control of this “chat.”

Chrissie was quite adroit at avoiding questions and launching into stories-to-distract.

Finally, the woman who’s only son was living with a mystery girl asked the big question, “Where does your mother live?”

Chrissie said her mother lived in another part of the state. Really? Curious Mother lobbed easy questions: Where? What does she do? How often do you see her? When will we meet her?

Caught in a sticky web of lies...it was hard to keep up with the insightful, incisive questions, Chrissie left the room on the pretense of getting more water. She found her beau, grabbed his arm, and told him to tell his mother to cease and desist or she would leave the apartment and go for a drive. A long drive.

He sat close to his mother on the couch and begged her not to ask any more questions. He agreed, his girl friend’s family tree was unusual; Chrissie did not speak to many relatives. She was simply “independent.”

He left to find his sweetheart and like any good mother, she began to Google Chrissie.

Mission Accomplished.

Control

One of the worst dates? Ever.

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We had agreed to meet at a place with “ambience and parking.”

I scored a parking place in front– arriving a few minutes early. We decided on trendy, watering-hole downtown. Perched on a barstool, I waited. Twenty minutes later, a tall, gray-haired man walked in. He didn’t resemble any of the photos I had seen online. However, he was 6’2 and was walking towards me, smiling.   He said, “Dear, you look just like your photo.”

I thought, “You don’t look a thing like yours. Dear.” He made no apology for being late.

He was wearing a tweed jacket-probably from the 80’s that might have fit him then -not now. Chalk it up to: “Needs help.”

He suggested we move to the table in the small garden in the back. We we’re seated in a lovely area far removed from the bar. The waiter dropped off our drinks and we didn’t see him again.

How we went from where did you go to school -where do you live to his cholesterol, resting heart rate, daily exercise regime, and insomnia, I’ll never know.

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On the dating profile, he indicated a passion for water sports, rowing, hiking and literature.

What he divulged was that his rowing took place in his living room-on a machine looking at the water. He was a big Danielle Steele fan. His hikes were to and from the grocery store.

It didn’t take much to decipher we have very little in common.

He displayed a great interest in my former husband.

Generally, my response is “That’s history.” And I move on.

However, Mr. Old Tweed Jacket was like a dog with a bone inquiring about my past. Which made him even less attractive. I suggested we get the check and call it a day. With no waiter insight, he suggested we simply walk out and not pay.

Then, I really knew I was with a loser.

On the way out, he went to the men’s room; I paid the bill.

And I said “Good luck.” (That’s what women say when they have no intention of ever seeing the guy again) He indicated he like to “do this again.”

Ha! Not in this lifetime.

I smiled, walked to my car, and drove off. Dodged that bullet.

 

 

The terrible, horrible, no good, very bad dates on Match.com

Dilapidated windowAlexa and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad Dates

One Woman’s Story- Online Dating Disappoints: We are not a match!

Alexa is 57, divorced, RN, lives in South San Francisco, has a kid in college, is a mild hiker and musical theater devotee. She decided to throw her hat in the ring and sign up with Match.com

Day #1

The dating company sent the first “Batches o’ Perfect Matches.”

  • The first picture was of a guy on a big red tractor in a field. She had nothing in common with him.
  • The second was a photo of man kissing his cat. She loathed cats and worried about a guy posting a photo like that.
  • The third picture was three balding men all standing together a bar. They all looked alike. Who was the candidate?
  • Finally, there was a smattering headshots of men wearing all hiding behind sunglasses and baseball hats.

The last picture she could stand looking at that day was Clive from Palo Alto wearing a lampshade. And the message was: “I am dying to talk to you on the telephone. Please call immediately.” Bizarre.

Just as she was ready to ‘throw in the towel… she received an email from Match.com: Roberto wanted to “Connect.”

The barrage of disappointing matches was followed by this email from Spooky Roberto. (unedited)

Der Sir or Madam.

Pardon to cut you unaware. I had to do this because i m desperate to connect with you and i was thinking if this was right? let me be the criminal of desperation in the court of love… lol….i’m very  fun to be around with… Perhaps that you will have to find out, if you give me the privilege to know you?. I think the this idea is creative lol.

 My name is Terry and i m using colleague profile. 55 years of age, widower, 5.11ft tall, cute, with good sense of humor. Age is a number.

 I live in California, I m not a registered member yet and this not my account and photos. It’s for an old colleague of mine in a conference whom wanted to show me around online dating. I got attracted to your write up, and i think we have some things in common to share  Feel free to contact me to contact me on my email and i will tell you more about me and send you my current pictures.  robertoterry04 @ g m a i l.c o m    looking forward to hear.

 Sent From My iPhone

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Alexa was going to re-think Match.com…it wasn’t looking good.

It could only get better, maybe.

Beware The Scams and Dead Ends

Men online: don’t ask these crass questions

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So I walked into the Members Cocktail Party at the MOMA

A man approaches me and says, “Hey. I’m 6’ tall, 185 pounds, spiritual not religious, income: I’ll tell you later. I like NASCAR, a cigar, hot dogs and pizza and boxing. I’ve seen American Sniper three times and I think Lady Gaga is a freak and Kimmel – they guy the Oscars- is a whack job. Can I  buy you a drink? And what are you tipping the scales at, Tiny?

Next!

I climb the stairs to the American Pop Collection  and another man sidles up  and says, “I’m average height, average build, love to snuggle and to shop at Victoria’s Secret.” (What? A cross-dresser?) He continues, “I live in Santa Rosa and I won’t drive more than 10 miles to meet the woman of my dreams -who, by the way, is ‘Barbie.’ How old are you?”

Buh-Bye!

Some fancy dance work and a quick escape right, to the Interactive Architecture and another man advances and says, “Hello, beautiful! Let’s skip the small talk: I’m Scorpio, very lonely, never married, no kids, live alone; I have a very, very, big, bike. Can I take you for a ride? I dig the White Housee Twins: Sean and Steve” and “Fifty Shades of Gray” is on my bedside table. Want to read it together? What’s your income?”

Hasta la vista, baby!

Deftly, I exit down the hall, a quick left turn to see the Diane Arbus. Luckily, I happened upon ‘Mr. Santa Clara.’ He is my height, my age, big smile and twinkling eyes – introduces himself and says his interested in talking and eliminating the mindless chatter about astrology and pets – if that was okay. And then he said, “Your picture doesn’t do you justice.” (A.k.a. The six sexiest words on Match.com)

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He proceeded to ask me questions about me and my life and he listened.

We talked and walked right into the American Pop  and later found ourselves in front of  a Warhol and a Lichtenstein.  We continued – walked, talked and ended up standing in front of the spectacular new Liz Fracchia painting.

The museum was about to close…and the party was not over.

We have been together every day since.

photo_1186_20060227ace hearts

What’s your story? Tell me your dating story: page.larkin@gmail.com

Psst! I Can Read You Like a Book

student-2052868__340Merrilyn K found herself Suddenly Single- again and penned the following missive: 

Dear Page Larkin,

I blame Book Clubs.

Legions of women across America gather – supposedly, to discuss the finer points of grammar, irony, character development, and  plot vs. protagonist.

Allow me to divulge our dirty little secret: Women’s Book Blubs are really a covert way to analyze, dissect and discuss men.

Very few clubs will “fess up” to this nefarious charge.  Thinly-veiled as passionate about reading, only the few brave book club members will divulge – most book clubs are all about an underlying desire to. talk about men, husbands, boyfriends, lovers, dating, sex, and myriad books on the same subject.

Our group formed years ago and raced through The Da Vinci Code – who didn’t?  We started with the loftiest of goals to read great literature and share erudite observations-to seek symbolism and nuance, and of course,  to mine books for irony.

And, then inspired by Bitsy, our resident Suddenly Single-Again  bon vivant – we began to dabble in uncharted waters: we gladly immersed ourselves into the world of  “Chick  Lit.”

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After a frothy diet of light and airy, with some Philip Roth thrown in for color and culture, we decided to change horses mid-stream.

Let’s just say – We Evolved

Our new liberated  venue was to meet to discuss the Best Places to kiss in Paris and London…and San Francisco.

The next meeting we quickly nailed Napa, Chicago and New York City.

Our next foray into Reading and Writing was for the  8 of us to co-author a Bodice Ripper Note:  We are not your mother’s book club, or the Jane Austen Book Club….Look for our book on Oprah. Someday.

Merrilyn and the Promiscuous Pens of Palo Alto

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Any WOMAN  who says she has one life to live must not know how to read a MAN.  ~

 

A good    MAN /BOOK    should leave you… slightly exhausted at the end.  You live several lives while reading HIM.  ~ Merry Malaprop

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She dated Luke Warm for too long

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Kelly and Luke went out for a month before she realized he was a dud.

All talk no action?

Luke could talk.  Kelly noted he had a steady flow of so-called plans, plots and ideas. 

When it came to romance, he would caress her hand and whisper in her ear, and explain he wanted to take her to Paris to un petite lingerie shoppe and buy her the most alluring lingerie. Then Luke got distracted and she didn’t hear from him for a week.

Out of the blue, he would call and ask her what she was cooking for dinner. She would rattle off a  gourmet concoction she had dreamed up and as he was about to invite himself over, she informed him she was seeing “other people.”

He  tried his mightiest to sweet talk her and she bowed out. She had his number.

He tried to interest her in going to Burning Man in her SUV- and she had images of burning a VooDoo doll of Luke instead. A month later, he called and she didn’t pick up – ever again.

Either be hot or cold. If you are lukewarm, the Lord will spew you forth from His mouth.

Jerry Lee Lewis
Lukewarm

Quitting a dating site? Clean up your act

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Darn! You thought you deleted your online dating photos.

And, bam! Three months later, Yahoo has your photo scrolling on their home page in a Match.com promotion: “Looking for Single Men in San Francisco?”

You thought you went through the necessary channels to quit once and for all. Match sent you the canned “Really? Are you sure you want to leave the party? Trixie, Tiffani, and Binkie will miss you.”

You push, “Cancel Account” and you think the party is over.

Not so fast, Dude.

For six more weeks, Match, Seniors, Our Time can run your photograph – making their inventory of Single men and women look full and diverse. And, who knew, you might see your old photo floating on the Yahoo home page. (Yahoo – desperate times – desperate measures?)

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Page Larkin’s Top Three Tips to Quit an Online Dating Site – aka Leave no Trace

#1. Delete all your photos. One by one. You don’t want your photo floating in their ads or hanging around for God and everyone to see…

#2. Copy and Paste everything you have written to a Word Doc. You might, someday, want to sign up for another site and use the pithy prose you produced, again.

#3. Finally, delete every single word you wrote on your profile. If a site, like Match, insists that you have 500 characters in any mini-essay, copy and paste in The Pledge of Allegiance or Dave Barry’s definition of “What Women Want” or the opening to Kafka’s, The Trial.

As a precautionary measure, change your age, gender, and height- the more ludicrous the better.

C’est fini! Leave no trace and your slate will be clean.

Cue: Fireworks

Cue: Fireworks

It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves.
William Shakespeare

The Best /Worst Match opening lines

comics-1299500__340The Good, the Bad and the Ugly?

John J. in Los Gatos is friendly, fun and flirty. Note: Women love this. This is a “formula note” he sends out after a women has looked at his dating profile:         

Hello,  Thank you for perusing my profile. I like YOURS too. I was also lousy in Chemistry until entering the dating world. I notice you seek someone less than 47 miles away…Too bad I live 48 miles away (LOL kidding, it’s actually twice that distance;-). Three years ago I, too, lived in SF – had a wonderful apartment on Chestnut & Van Ness.  I wish we had met on-line then! I used to run in Golden Gate Park (until knee surgery ended my running career and started my cool new biking habit;-) Thanks, again for the look! Best of luck in finding that very lucky local SF Dude. Ciao Bella, John J in Los Gatos

Huge Points for John J. who is proactive, positive, flirty and friendly. His ‘form letter’ garners more attention than a wink or a one-liner. Go, John J.! frog-prince-398828__180

Mikey 68 (“a jock with bad knees but a good heart”) was a PE Major, not a creative writer,  who hired a  professional writer to enhance his online dating profile.  They talked – she took notes, and two days later, she came back with Michael 101.

He went from a bumbling Jimmy Kimmel to smooth Jimmy Stewart. He debated about keeping his long past profession (Veterinarian) out of the picture – she insisted he blatantly brag about being a Doctor. She said single women are on the look out for professionals. She also encouraged him to insert a passion for reading all things Jane Austen. She sent him links to Jane Austen for Dummies and The Cliff Notes.  She also changed his online name to  ‘Mr Darcy.” His opening line is, Call me Tall dark and handsome and I will follow you any where. Mr Darcy. His “ratings” went up. Way Up.

Tons of email every week:  Michael/Mr Darcy  gets a ton of winks, emails, and canned greetings from women all over the country. Whether it is his picture, his winning personality/profession as a DR,  Or his ghost-writer’s finesse in creating a faux Prince. He is only slightly embarrassed when women discover he has none of Mr Darcy’s attributes. Glib, he says Austen is ‘fiction.’  Truth or Dare? He is convinced he will meet a sweetheart. not_match-aCall me Timbo  (62, hunter, NRA devotee, catches fish with his hands)

He lives in an “A-state.” He is looking for one woman with whom to spend the rest of his life.  The other three did not work out. Clever man, got ahold of an NRA Club roster. Timbo had 200 post cards made with his picture on them. He and his son addressed and stamped all the cards with the message: “Wanted: My Last Date. Must be single and like dogs.” He got a few nibbles…nothing panned out. Next, with the help of the librarian, he joined Match.com and  wrote: “Sugar Daddy seeks Hot Mama” much to the chagrin of Marian librarian.

He was swamped with responses. At first, he was excited by all the attention. Then all the coffee shop dates, phone calls and driving “all over hell and high-water” to  meet all the s0-called “hot mamas”was exhausting.

Throwing in the towel, Timbo says, he is quitting the dating business- he prefers the company of his dogs.dog2_7501_20080925

 

You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.

Dale Carnegie

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