Suddenly Single… Minded

Welcome to the Wild and Whimsical World of Internet Dating

Finale? Roger gets a dating coach – truth flies out the window

photo_9876_20090327His neighbor and new buddy, Tim, agreed to take a look at Roger’s Match.com profile and “Cool it up a bit.”

Tim (36, divorced after a “practice marriage,” was an Emeryville condo rat and Pixar savant) offered to be Roger’s “Dating coach.” His advice: “Throw caution to the wind and lie about everything.”

 A rose by any other name…

Roger thought his name would be a huge attraction- all of his heroes were named Roger: Roger Maris, Roger Daltrey, Roger Ebert, and Roger Moore…However, he was getting as much attention from young, hot, sexy women as Mr. Rogers.

Tim suggested Roger come off more like a rogue or a rascal. He knew for a fact, women prefer “bad boys. Roger- a babe magnet and a Playboy? It could happen…

As he read Roger’s” Online Bio” Tim’s reaction was “Whoa, my friend, this stuff has got a true ‘Dead cat bounce.’ No wonder you’re not going anywhere with the ladies.”

Tim’s mantra was, “If it first you don’t succeed: lie, lie, lie.

The guys went out for a couple of beers at the Missouri Lounge –Roger cringed- a seedy bar and rough-and-tumble guys lined up at the bar– he should have suggested Trader Vic’s. In no time, his coach came up with “Roger’s Rules of Dating”

  1. Choose “Spiritual not religious.” Despite the fact that Roger had taught Sunday school for 10 years – Tim said “Ix-nay on the bible stuff.”
  2. No walks on the beach allowed. Even though Roger had a strong affinity for walking on the beaches of Hawaii, Tahiti, Lake Tahoe- Tim advised him it was way too cliché.
  3. Reading material? Go Cliff Notes. The Dating Coach Advice: Go to the New York Times bestseller list and pick a book- any book-and list under “Last Book Read.” Bonus: the bestseller, “Gone Girl” had just been made into a movie – Roger didn’t even have to read the book!
  4. Must Love San Francisco Giants: Erase and delete any affinity for the Oakland A’s. It is mandatory that you are a San Francisco Giants fan.
  5. Tell them what they want to hear: Tim had watched his own mother (67) as she explored online dating. His last “tip” was: “You’re playing to an audience. Women your age avoid any couch potato who admits to like watching sports on TV, (including tennis, golf, football, baseball, basketball) all their ex-husbands did that and they generally loathe and detest TV sports. They would rather go for a run, see a movie, work out, take a class, and teach a class or read a book. Roger was advised: Those are all “the new things” you like to do, too.

“I am single, hip, cool – hear me roar”

 Roger updated, enhanced and improved his profile. No more “Walks on the beach” for this Romantic Rascal with a penchant for the San Francisco Giants and, his new favorite book, “Gone Girl.”

Refining his results – He studied his new assortment of “mutual matches”, and “reverse matches. ” He did a few keyword searches. He was cooking with fire. Look out!

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Roger’s Next Three Fortune Cookies Read:

  •  Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth. Buddha
  •  It’s no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense. Mark Twain
  •  Tell me I’m clever, Tell me I’m kind, Tell me I’m talented, Tell me I’m cute, Tell me I’m sensitive, Graceful and wise, Tell me I’m perfect – But tell me the truth.” Shel Silverstein
  •  

froggg

 

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