Finale? Roger gets a dating coach – truth flies out the window
His neighbor and new buddy, Tim, agreed to take a look at Roger’s Match.com profile and “Cool it up a bit.”
Tim (36, divorced after a “practice marriage,” was an Emeryville condo rat and Pixar savant) offered to be Roger’s “Dating coach.” His advice: “Throw caution to the wind and lie about everything.”
A rose by any other name…
Roger thought his name would be a huge attraction- all of his heroes were named Roger: Roger Maris, Roger Daltrey, Roger Ebert, and Roger Moore…However, he was getting as much attention from young, hot, sexy women as Mr. Rogers.
Tim suggested Roger come off more like a rogue or a rascal. He knew for a fact, women prefer “bad boys. Roger- a babe magnet and a Playboy? It could happen…
As he read Roger’s” Online Bio” Tim’s reaction was “Whoa, my friend, this stuff has got a true ‘Dead cat bounce.’ No wonder you’re not going anywhere with the ladies.”
Tim’s mantra was, “If it first you don’t succeed: lie, lie, lie.
The guys went out for a couple of beers at the Missouri Lounge –Roger cringed- a seedy bar and rough-and-tumble guys lined up at the bar– he should have suggested Trader Vic’s. In no time, his coach came up with “Roger’s Rules of Dating”
- Choose “Spiritual not religious.” Despite the fact that Roger had taught Sunday school for 10 years – Tim said “Ix-nay on the bible stuff.”
- No walks on the beach allowed. Even though Roger had a strong affinity for walking on the beaches of Hawaii, Tahiti, Lake Tahoe- Tim advised him it was way too cliché.
- Reading material? Go Cliff Notes. The Dating Coach Advice: Go to the New York Times bestseller list and pick a book- any book-and list under “Last Book Read.” Bonus: the bestseller, “Gone Girl” had just been made into a movie – Roger didn’t even have to read the book!
- Must Love San Francisco Giants: Erase and delete any affinity for the Oakland A’s. It is mandatory that you are a San Francisco Giants fan.
- Tell them what they want to hear: Tim had watched his own mother (67) as she explored online dating. His last “tip” was: “You’re playing to an audience. Women your age avoid any couch potato who admits to like watching sports on TV, (including tennis, golf, football, baseball, basketball) all their ex-husbands did that and they generally loathe and detest TV sports. They would rather go for a run, see a movie, work out, take a class, and teach a class or read a book. Roger was advised: Those are all “the new things” you like to do, too.
“I am single, hip, cool – hear me roar”
Roger updated, enhanced and improved his profile. No more “Walks on the beach” for this Romantic Rascal with a penchant for the San Francisco Giants and, his new favorite book, “Gone Girl.”
Refining his results – He studied his new assortment of “mutual matches”, and “reverse matches. ” He did a few keyword searches. He was cooking with fire. Look out!
Roger’s Next Three Fortune Cookies Read:
- Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth. Buddha
- It’s no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense. Mark Twain
- “Tell me I’m clever, Tell me I’m kind, Tell me I’m talented, Tell me I’m cute, Tell me I’m sensitive, Graceful and wise, Tell me I’m perfect – But tell me the truth.” Shel Silverstein