Suddenly Single… Minded

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Page Larkin’s Top 10 Ways to Get a Kick this Christmas

christmabulb frame__180Feeling like a Donder or a Blitzen?

Get rid of the Holiday Blues!

Tis the Season: Now is the time to have yourself a merry little Christmas! 

Kick up your heels, Cupid


 Chicks7Top 10 Ways to Get a Kick Out of the Holidays

  1. Say ‘Merry Christmas’ to everyone. Bah, humbug to the PC  “Happy Holiday” malarkey. Go ahead, say “Merry Christmas” to the people on the bus, the doorman, the waitress, barista, the taxi driver, the clerk, the MUNI driver, the people in the elevator and everyone! What goes around…

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  1. Wear red. It’s fun; it’s festive and red-quired. Come on, don your red apparel. Everyone should wear at least one red article of clothing. No Santa hats – unless you are under 18. And, donate the old 75% off- Christmas sweater you got at Mervyn’s – 20 years ago, to the less fortunate. Go, Red!
  1. Memorize A Visit from St Nicholas by Clement C. Moore and recite it at the drop of a hat. (Bring a hat wherever you go.)

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  1. Neck the Halls! Mistletoe time!  Buy a sprig of mistletoe and pin it to your lapel or put it on your hat. Be kissed off and on. Yes, Virginia, you can download a picture of mistletoe. There are no rules. (See Google images of “the kissing tree.”)

5.   Seek out the knotty  and naughty “Walking Around in Women’s Underwear

Lacey things, the wife is missing.

Didn’t ask, for her permission

I’m wearing her clothes,

her silk panty hose.

Walking around in women’s underwear.

In the store, there’s a teddy.

With little straps, like spagetti.

It holds me so tight,

like handcuffs at night.

Walking around in womens underwear

In the office there’s a guy named Melvin.

He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.

He’ll say “Are you ready?”

I’ll say, “Woah man! Lets wait untill the wife is out of town.”

Later on, if you wanna,

We can dress, like Madonna.

Put on some eye shade, and join the parade.

Walking around in women’s underwear.

Lacey things, missing.

Didn’t ask, permission.

Wearing her clothes, silk panty hose.

Walking around in women’s underwear.

Walking around in women’s underwear.

Walking around in women’s underwear……”

6.  Add the quality of jollity and frivolity – laugh a little!  See Will Ferrell in “ELF” or watch Love Actually, again.A wet red christmas ball

  1. Laugh and love the clever Straight No Chaser Vocalists.The hilariously talented group sings every Christmas favorite with a twist and a shout.
  1. Turn On: KBAY FM  is playing non-stop Christmas carols, ballads, and standards melodies. Bring out the Bing and dream of a White Christmas.
  2. Read The Fir Tree   by Hans Christian Anderson,    The Christmas Memory   by Truman Capote and The Gift of the Magi by O.Henry.  Read them and weep.
  1. Reach Out and Contribute a coat or jacket (gently used coats, hats, sweaters, jackets, sweatshirts, and mittens) to  One Warm Coat – all of December –         Note: Many UPS stores in and around San Francisco welcome coat donations.

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Do not rest ye merry gentle people; sing, stroll, dance, prance, dream!

Call the Scrooges the Grinches, the Donders, and the Blitzens and wish Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

San Francisco Dating@50 Examiner, Page Larkin, welcomes your feedback, questions and queries at Page.Larkin@gmail.com. Don’t miss a single Page Larkin column- click the Subscribe button at the top of the PAGE. Merry, Merry.

Put your hands up! Classic “No Phones” Christmas party

Put you hands ups and your phones down!

Suddenly Single... Minded

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We entered the very chic, very private club only to encounter a small forest of Christmas trees, asparkle with twinkling lights and old-fashioned ornament, lining both sides the long hall hallway.

A Will Ferrell sized elf stood next to a ginormous silver punch bowl.

The huge sign, framed in tiny candy. canes read:

Blank white sandwich board on a city sidewalk Club Rules

As fast as people surrendered their phones, Elf and his staff gave out claim tickets.

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Some people walked away slowly, looking back, incredulous.

Others were unsure what to do next – their hands-free.

The tables were laden with cookies and cakes and Christmas candy.

Several “bars” line the vast hall and waitresses dressed in red velvet Mrs. Santa mini-dresses and black boots passed hors d’oeuvres.

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A tiny army of energetic elves entertained the children with tricks and treats and silliness.

The musical sound of children laughing made everybody happy.

Bing, Buble, Botticelli, Clooney belted out classic…

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Tis the season – bundle up!

The Holidays in the Bay Area are famous for traffic jams, rainy weather, wet socks, soggy shoes, drowned-rat-hair, and wonderful concerts, sing-a-longs, plays, festivals, musicals…

Sf.funcheap.com is The San Francisco Go To Place for all the fabulous holiday activities.

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Bring Your Umbrella – Stay warm and have fun!

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Hot Tip From SF FunCheap: Free Airport Parking for the Holidays | Oakland Airport
Monday, November 28 – All Day | Cost: FREE* | Oakland International Airport
Free Airport Parking for the Holidays | Oakland Airport
Oakland International Airport is offering up to 72 hours of free parking (up to a $66 value) between Saturday, October 15 through Friday, December 30, 2016. Get three days of free parking in the Daily Lot when you fly nonstop to Southern California between October 15th, 2016 and …

It’s Not This Time of Year Without…

Meanwhile…waiting at Luggage Claim

Hurry up and wait at SFO…OAK…

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Most oft heard comment, “I am just grateful I got my bag.”

Happy Thanksgiving

Anticipation

Brave enough? Meeting the Fokkers on Thanksgiving?

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 Turkey:  Rhymes with dysfunction

Do you dare bring a date home for Thanksgiving – to meet the family?

Imagine the smell of the turkey roasting in the oven and the sight of luscious pumpkin pies and plump mincemeat pies sitting on the buffet. Cubes of yellow butter melting on mounds of steaming mashed potatoes. The dining room aglow with orange votive candles and a massive centerpiece of fall colored chrysanthemums gracing the table.

Dishes piled with green beans and sweet carrot soufflé, bowls of ruby red cranberries, and pomegranates and tangerines all crowded on the kitchen counter. A veritable food festival with friends and family –and, some ‘Strangers in the night.

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Peggy in Houston writes last year she was graced with, “A cast of cousins straight out of Central Casting, Seven Dwarves style: Grumpy, Dopey, Snarky, Chatty, Smokey, Sneezey, and Boozy.”

Mitch in Walnut Creek  revealed he is ‘blessed’ with an Aunt Can’t Edit, who blurts unseemly comments and slightly embarrasses the entire family in one fell swooping comment.

Okay, kids, so Thanksgiving will never be a Norman Rockwell painting. Granted, for many of us it will be more like “The Scream” Each year we are fortunate to gather, gobble and go. Count your blessings. Bring your current sweetheart home to meet the family? Tomes have been written about courage and bravery – you decide: will this exposure to your kin  be a coup de grace or a potential triumph? Good luck.

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The family… a strange little band of characters trudging through life… inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together. ~Erma Bombeck

Oh, Happy Day
Last year, six of us volunteered at three different soup kitchens and were turned away. There were too many volunteers. That’s what I’m talking about.

The Mad Dash of the Holidays is Here:
I refuse to count the daze. This year I’m going to float down the stream of Christmas consciousness and revel in friends, fun, simplicity and sanity. All aboard.


The Day after Thanksgiving and all through the house
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not a creature was shopping- all were watching football, talking, laughing, reading, washing dishes – a meditation- walking, riding bikes, going to see Harry Potter, or RED– and avoiding getting mauled at any mall. Double  dare you to Buy Nothing

San Francisco Dating@50 Examiner, Page Larkin,welcomes your feedback, questions and queries at Page.Larkin@gmail.com.

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Online dating photos: Get in the skin game?

Va Va Voom!

Suddenly Single... Minded

222.Dear Page Larkin,

You are right! It is all about the pictures with online dating.

I spent hours creating a cute, sexy, profile. I plugged my favorite romantic places, my love for Victoria’s Secret, and love for skiing and hot cars.

Being a virtual Virgin, I only posted one good photo (from work,)

Yes, the men from “ The A states” (Alabama, Arizona, Arkansas) responded. I want to meet the guy next door-next Town-next County.

You said, “A  good picture’s worth 1000 flirts.” I had a friend take 15 photos of me in V-Neck blouses, low cut tops, strappy and strapless tops and Bam! My mailbox is full of notes and winks. Tell the girls, it’s true. Don’t waste time on purple prose; it’s all about the clothes and the pictures.

Kelly In Carmichael
Tricky

Dear Kelly,  Thank you – and this is a tricky, slippery slope. It is…

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One of the worst dates. Ever.

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We had agreed to meet at a place with “ambience and parking.”

 

I scored a parking place in front- arriving a few minutes early. We decided on trendy, watering-hole downtown. Perched on a barstool, I waited. Twenty minutes later, a tall, gray haired man walked in. He didn’t resemble any of the photos I had seen online. However, he was 6’2 and was walking towards me, smiling.   He said, “Dear, you look just like your photo.”

I thought, “You don’t look a thing like yours. Dear.” He made no apology for being late.

He was wearing a tweed jacket-probably from the 80’s that might have fit him then -not now. Chalk it up to: “Needs help.”

He suggested we move to the table in the small garden in the back. We we’re seated in a lovely area far removed from the bar. The waiter dropped off our drinks and we didn’t see him again.

How we went from where did you go to school -where do you live to his cholesterol, resting heart rate, daily exercise regime, and insomnia, I’ll never know.

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On the dating profile, he indicated a passion for water sports, rowing, hiking and literature.

What he divulged was that his rowing took place in his living room-on a machine looking at the water. He was a big Danielle Steele fan. His hikes were to and from the grocery store.

It didn’t take much to decipher we have very little in common.

He displayed a great interest in my former husband.

Generally, my response is “That’s history.” And I move on.

However, Mr. Old Tweed Jacket was like a dog with a bone inquiring about my past. Which made him even less attractive. I suggested we get the check and call it a day. With no waiter insight, he suggested we simply walk out and not pay.

Then, I really knew I was with a loser.

On the way out, he went to the men’s room; I paid the bill.

As I said “Good luck.”

(that’s what women say when they have no intention of ever seeing the guy again) he indicated he like to “do this again.”

I smiled, walked to my car, and drove off. Dodged that bullet.

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What’s the eHarmony in trying this dating site?

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Been around the ‘Dating Block’ enough times to be an Official Survivor Storyteller?

After years of being married to Mr. or Mrs. Wrong and the ensuing divorce, many of us quickly sign up for Internet dating.

Inspired by those romantic eHarmony ads on TV, we bite.

They say every day 15,000 people fill out the infamous questionnaire.

It can take in excess of 90 minutes to complete the extremely long questionnaire: comprised of 426 seemingly inane questions covering 29 dimensions.

Who knew there was life after the Fifth Dimension?

Finally, you pay hefty $70 for a one month membership. Harmony claims the quality of the service and that “sophisticated matching algorithm” and personality analysis, are so worth it…really?

Good News- Bad News

Shortly thereafter, you receive an analysis of your personality and a description of your “Perfect mate”       Okay. Most of us are seduced by flattery and eHarmony will send quirky pages of prose extolling your virtues. You may be honest, loyal, and steadfast like a Boy Scout. Or Dull and Eclectic, eccentric and exceptionally unusual. To say eHarmony paints with a broad brush only begins to describe the way they analyze your attributes.

Be Prepared: People in the know, claim “EH employees” like “Don in Delhi and Mark in Mumbi are cranking out pretty bizarre Personality Reports – broken English, outlandish claims (i.e. your carry sunshine in a bag; you are walking the streets of Hollywood. What?)

Bottom line? Skip the out-sourced Indian gibberish report.

Everyone wants to see a long list of perfect matches -Prince or Princess Charmings. In the TV ads, couples evidently connected at breakneck speed. There seemed to be a lot of happily- ever- after- going on, right?

Hurry Up and Wait

Then, much to your chagrin, you learn what the term ‘Glacially slow’ means. A glacier moves one tiny fraction of a millimeter of an inch every several thousand days – just like eHarmony. Okay, so my exact glacier mass measurements are fiction — but the fact that eHarmony is slow is pure fact. Be prepared to wait, for a very long time.

Expect singles from The A States ( Arkansas, Alamaba, Arizona, and Alaska) to contact you. It happens.

hollyJust like Christmas Morning

Anne, an eHarmony escapee and one of the Yoga Babes said this about her so-called perfect matches:

“One man lived 95 miles away and was three inches shorter than I am in my stocking feet. Lauren, a cattle rancher near Reno liked chess and NASCAR. Me? Not so much. He was ten years older than I am. Next, Frank of Santa Rosa (doesn’t anybody live in San Francisco?) was a pilot, a triathlete and made his own tofu. Granted, I have a preconceived notion about triathlons and I won’t try an athlete who trains 20 hours a week.

I want a guy who likes to walk on the beach, not swims to Alcatraz; I like taking a leisurely ride through Golden Gate Park; not at breakneck speed.

The final ‘exact match’, or so they claimed, was Roland from Fresno. He liked cigars, port, his Bible and his six greyhounds- dogs, not buses. My allergies kicked in, just reading his profile. We didn’t have a thing in common. So, what I hoped would be like ‘Christmas morning’ was more like three lumps of coal. I quit after one month of disappointment. I’m now on Match.com and happier with the results.”

Worth a Try?

One size does not fit all and there are tens of thousands of very happy members on eHarmony. The website is a treasure trove of opportunities. You can order flowers, Fandango tickets, buy insurance, and, yes even  prescription drugs and there are pages and pages of pretty mild dating  advice. Seriously. It may be a perfect fit for your lifestyle and expectations.

You don’t know until you’ve done some research. Have fun on the quest.

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What would life be if we had no courage to attempt anything?

Vincent van Gogh

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Have Time for a Two-Hour Quickie in the Marina?

I’ve had a love affair with the Marina since the late 1970’s.

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I’ve always loved the darling shops; the wide variety of pubs and unique bars and great restaurants. The Palace of Fine Arts is, undoubtedly, one of  The City’s  finest treasures…. Chestnut Street is bustling and dynamic. You have to love the  Mediterranean style architecture – dazzling; Fort Mason and the two  Yacht Clubs are lively and busy.

Single women – we move to the City and like a magnetic pull, end up in the Marina. I love the Marina.

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Sadly, the Marina doesn’t love me. Or my friends. Or you. It’s a one-sided love affair.


To paraphrase the Bard,  ‘The rejection comes not in single soldiers, but in battalions of two hour-only parking signs lining the streets.’  There are veritable forests of two-hour parking meters and towering signs are as far as the eye can see.

Friday, I fed an insatiable parking meter handfuls of quarters.  As the cold, silver, machine gobbled the money, it registered little of anything. Twenty-five cents buys you five minutes of time.  Time is money was never truer.

And you can forget dinner and a movie... Unless fast food and a dash to feed the meter during the movie are on your Bucket ListJohnny Rocket,  home of Quicksilver hamburger service, will meet your two-hour time restraint. Been there? Done that?

I love the Marina. I hate the two-hour parking meters that inhale quarters like a Hoover.

Bridge and Tunnelers, take note: San Francisco parking tickets are now $64.00.

A small army of Meter Men and Maids troll the streets like trigger-happy cowboys poised to shoot a parking ticket your way.

Bring a credit card, a roll of quarters, set your timer, and your running shoes, if you plan to spend any time and money in the Marina.  Or take a Lyft.  Bon Chance.

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Are you Settling? Afraid of What?

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After a rocky marriage or a mediocre relationship, it can be daunting to think about putting your big toe in the dating pool. Some women are scared off by nightmare stories about online dating.

Others succumb to bad advice from married friends and family – who are clueless.

Linda is 56, pretty, smart, has a great job and has been divorced eight years. She has had a couple of crushes and a handful of dates. She met Harry through her neighbor who did a big song and dance on how reliable, steady, dependable his ol pal Harry was.

At first, Linda met Harry and noticed all of his flaws: a self-professed workaholic, a homebody with very few outside interests. She said he was an old man before his time- but, he seemed dependable.

On their first date, he took her to a steakhouse. Linda has been a vegetarian for 10 years, a good cook and famous for her dinner lively parties. She politely ordered a large salad, he didn’t notice.

Hearts on a line

The Attraction:

Harry was a good audience. Unlike her impatient, grumpy, former husband he listened to her every word. That was novel.

She invited him over for dinner the next weekend. She fixed a wonderful vegetarian meal. Harry had not been exposed to the finer things in life and social skills were not his strong suit. Before she was even seated, he was inhaling his dinner. But, he was a good listener. And a great kisser and was actually quite romantic. Big points.

Linda loves to go out to dinner and to movies, take day trips, shop at farmer’s markets, explore San Francisco, Carmel, and be near the ocean. Harry shared none of those interests. He went to work, had dinner, watched TV, and then went to bed, every day.

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After six months, the novelty wore off, granted the intimacy was fabulous-but there’ was no there there.

Linda’s spoke to a couple of very close friends at work and told them the dilemma. The married girls were young enough to be her daughters and both agreed: at her age, all the good ones are taken, online dating is a dead-end, be happy with what you have. Quit complaining.

Linda trusted these girls and thought they are both very smart. 

Never mind both were married, had not been on a date on a date in 10 years, and we’re clueless about the dating scene for people over 50.

And yet, she listened to them.

Settling

Linda’s friends met Harry and agreed he was a nice guy. However, they felt and she was “settling” and that she could do so much better.

They all thought she deserved someone who shared her interests and passions. She was much too young to be with and “old man” who didn’t want to travel, explore new restaurants, explore new cities or travel to new countries. And, in time Linda agreed to take a peek at Match.com and one of the free sites.

Dating Coach: After we got her up and running, we work together – via email and text. 

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Online Dating can be scary. It can also expose you to new people with whom you share interests. It can be fun, intoxicating and exciting.

Tell your friends, don’t be shy – just let people know you are ready to date. Put out the word in your Group of friends and acquaintances that you are now ready to meet other singles.

office-625893__180Take a peek at online dating- check out the free sites, Plenty of fish – take it all with a grain of salt. Peek at Craigslist ads. Look for a free seven-day Match.com promotions. Ask Single friends about what they’re doing and contact me.

page.larkin@gmail.com

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