Summer Reading: Marry whom? Him? Why not Settle

Settle down. The red-hot book,

Marry Him, The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough has been flying out of bookstores since it was published – causing a stir and consternation.

Author Lori Gottlieb is a controversial marketing genius.        

First, there was the well-timed flurry of Valentine’s Day book promotions, appearances on myriad television talk shows, guest column slots, and a drag- out marketing campaign, which catapulted the author into the SEO stratosphere.

Called “wise and daring” and “brutally honest,” Marry Him is a surefire bestseller because of the controversy it leaves in its wake. It all started in February 2008, when Gottlieb wrote ‘the article’ for The Atlantic.

The scathing piece, the basis for the book, was considered by many as caustic, heartless and derisive. Nothing like an effective literary attention getting device to garner great ratings.

Best Marketing Ploy for Book Sales: Controversy

Granted, women have strong and heartfelt beliefs about

1) Marriage

2) Marrying beneath oneself (what does that  even mean?) and

3) Perhaps – choosing to remain single.

The topics are very personal and scalding hot. Does Marry Him instruct us to discard our standards, ideals, and our precious Top 10 Qualities List?

Do we merely ‘settle’ for the next guy, with a pulse, who darkens our doorstep?  I think not. But, men and women need to be open. Way open. 24 -hours a day open.

I Could Have Been a Contender

Bo Derek was a 10 in the 1970′s…

Perhaps you were, too … in the 70′s.

You do the math- numbers change…bodies change and attitudes do, too. Now we are more mature, evolved, and we evaluate people less superficially- don’t we? No, Binkie, you cannot know in the first  3-minutes of a coffee date if the guy is “a keeper,” slow down and smell the coffee.

Gottlieb makes a sobering point in the  magazine article about women and all the various “dating things” we do wrong.

Many of us were raised on stories about Cinderella, Prince Charming, Wolf Ranges, white picket fences and Volvos. Some of us bought into the fairy tale and elevated ourselves high atop lofty (lonely)  princess pedestals.

Sky high, self esteem puts one just beyond the reach of really great guys. Whoops! Time to climb down, sister,  Get real, and be open.

Marry Him is smart summer reading. You want to get attention on the beach or by the pool? Walk around with this  book – see what happens.

You’ll see: the book is rife with very cogent points; chances are you’ll open your eyes, blink, and shake your head in disbelief. And, in total agreement.

All I know: Life is all about compromise, and at this stage of the game (50 -something) we know that compromise is the panacea of life.

The best relationships are all about give and take. Right?

Remember: Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. And he knows it.

http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2008/03/marry-him/6651/

Twenty 12 – Happy New Year – here we go

Love,  hope, and optimism associated with the brand-new calendar year.

Are you resolved?

New Resolutions are a good thing and January is the best time for making new friends, dates, and acquaintances.

Get in the game. You’re not get meet anyone sitting on the couch.

Get up. Get out and get the New Year on.

Carbon Dating- Speed Dating- Blind Dating

Twenty 12: Try a new Internet dating site; join a walking, running, hiking, biking  group or take up badminton, Pilates, ping-pong, spelunking or even skydiving.

Remember, ‘new’ is good. In January, gyms are rabid  about enrollment and have super special offers and promotions. Shop for a great deal and read the fine print.  See Meetup.com and Urban Diversion for a huge repertory of  very diverse, fun events, groups, and venues.

Over-achieving Not Required -  It’s not necessary to leap tall buildings in a single bound.  In Twenty 12  resolve to meet new people and get in the dating game.   It will be a lot easier if you push away from the mouse in your house, cut back on texting,  unplug you ear phones and engage. Talk to people. Smile. Look people  in the eye. Flirt, already.

In Twenty 12 Resolve: to join in the human race, at your own pace.  Its a brand New Year – full of possibilities.  Here’s a novel idea: converse with people rather than texting, “friend-ing” or merely emailing.

How many people – men and women- do you say ‘hey’ to everyday? Starting today: multiply that number by 2. Double dare you.

Save the art of conversation.

“A conversation goes sometimes into personal things and that’s nicer. You look to each other and you have a different picture, you get into a relationship.” Max. Schnell

A new calendar year means all those little white squares are opportunities for fun and new beginnings. Join me, and the legions who believe Twenty 12  is going to be a  New Year with promise and potential.

Attitude of Gratitude, I’ve got it:  A special note of gratitude to all of you who have been so supportive with entertaining notes, quips, emails, poignant secrets and hot tips this past year.

Wishes for a Happy, Happy, New Year!

Merry Flirting Christmas – get with the progam

Flirting is the gentle art of making two people happy- start with sharing a smile.

Start a happy holiday season by flirting now. Here are a handful of romantic role models to emulate:

Before breakfast, Douglas buys two copies of the San Francisco Chronicle. He reads one and offers a second copy to an attractive, single woman in one of the three cafés he frequents each week. He’s famous for this.

Coffee, tea, or me? After a month, three times a week, of handing a double espresso, to her “favorite cute customer with no wedding ring and a ready smile”- Lynne wrote her phone number on the sleeve of his coffee cup. Romance is brewing.

Gene B in Santa Rosa in Medford is famous for flirting and for the  “I thought you two were sisters,” comment to the mothers of the women he dates. Believe it or not, mothers-of -an-age- love this.

Jeremy H. buys bags of Hershey kisses and says he drops one or two off on tables of interesting women at the library, Peet’s or cafes- when he is strolling through. Jeremy – the flirt-  is famous for giving away free kisses and smiles.

Valerie in Modesto writes that she looks at man, catches his eye and turns away. She looks back and smiles. She says it works every time. Oh, la, la  Remember: eye contact is an icebreaker and a romantic catalyst. Go for it.

Edward, the dapper crossing guard on Geary Boulevard, tells every woman he sees she looks “Lovely this morning, ma’am.” Women actually cross the street just to talk to Edward. Think about it. That’s so cool.

Chris, the flirting waiter at Rigolo in Laurel Village, greets and kids around with every female customer who comes to the small cafe. He is always ready with a compliment and a smile. Needless to say, he’s a very popular guy.

Jan R., the tall redhead at the checkout clerk at the Masonic Trader Joe’s, a polyglot, greets customers in their respective homeland lingo. People love this and make a bee-line to her and ‘check’ her out.  To say she is popular – only begins to describe her.

A simple “hello” – a great beginning. Try it.

Love Story at 80

Most mornings you can see Hank and Joanne, holding hands, walking up and down the streets in Presidio Heights. He wears a Cal baseball cap and she wears a red Stanford hat. The two octogenarians talk and laugh and Hank frequently picks up newspapers and tosses them up to neighbor’s front doors. The two exude an affection and attraction that most aspire. Some think it’s good luck to see this darling devoted couple.

Now is the time to throw off “shy and subdued” and get out and flirt.

Love is in the air and everywhere. Seek out bouquets of mistletoe, wear some on your lapel, and flirt frequently.

“All women are flirts, but some are restrained by shyness, and others by sense.”     Rochefoucauld

San Francisco Dating@50 Examiner, Page Larkin, welcomes your feedback, questions and queries at page.larkin@gmail.com. Don’t miss a single Page Larkin

Men at 50- confused and crazed by women at 50

Inquiring Men Want to Know: This week brings questions from men about serial dating, flirting and frustration. I endeavor to answer the questions as best as I can. Send your questions, queries, and quibbles to 50datesexaminer@gmail.com

Dear Page

My friends say I’m like the guy in the movie Network who screams “I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!” I’m really frustrated. I have been on three different dating sites in three years. No luck. I keep meeting women who send old photos, who lie about their age and smoking and who don’t seem to have an Emotional IQ   Is it me?

Just like Peter Finch

Dear Just Like Peter Finch,

While nobody said it was going to be easy, online dating should be fun, at best. Sorry to hear about your tribulations. Don’t give up.  Be more direct in your profile stating an interest in self-awareness, altruism, personal motivation, and the ability to love. Try again.

Peace, Page

Dear Page Larkin,

I’m 63, retired, divorced, healthy and look and feel the best ever. My new girlfriend is 55 and  hot. There is one drawback: she’s what you call a serial dater. She’s a gal with the ‘kennel of doggie bags in the refrigerator. She goes out almost every night- not with me. She is only free on Wednesday nights. Am I wasting my time?

Berkeley Bob

Dear Berkeley Bob,

If you are “girlfriend” is dating three other men each week, sit down; she’s just not that into you. She is obviously playing the field and, Bob, you’re not on her roster. It’s time to move on, and try greener pastures-you deserve better.

Peace, Page

Hey, Larkin,

I read your piece about ‘Men are like Champagne.’ Well, my experience says women are like eels. You can’t get a handle on them and they get away.

Morgan Hill Mike

Hey, Morgan,

Good point. There are 1 million stories ‘in the dated city’ and just as many metaphors. Following the whole fishing metaphor: I’d say the more lines you put in the water, the better your luck. See: Dating 101: Catch and Release. Have fun out there. Remember, online dating is a number’s game – and you have to get in the game to win.

Peace, Page

San Francisco Dating@50 Examiner, Page Larkin, welcomes your feedback, questions and queries at 50datesexaminer@gmail.com.

Don’t miss a single Page Larkin column- Click, click, Click the Subscribe button.

All Page Larkin Dating@50 Examiner articles © 2011 by Page Larkin; reposts permitted with copy written notice and link to original article. All other rights reserved.

Top Ten – where the boys are in San Francisco

Where does a woman in San Francisco go to meet men?

Extensive research indicates that men generally are not at the yarn store, in yoga classes, in cooking classes or attending a spirituality weekend. Remember the 1960′s bikini-beach-boy-meets-girl movie, “Where the Boys Are”? Take a page from that book.

Finding your true north

Today it doesn’t require a GPS, compass or a map to locate men in San Francisco. Seek and you shall find. The first installment:

The Top Ten Places to Meet Men

1. Giants Baseball Games – There are more single men at one Giants game than all of Union Street on any four Friday nights combined.

You do the math. Baseball is bigger, better and more entertaining than the old stand bys: NPR, the New Yorker and Meet the Press.  At a Giants game you get a whole team (25 men on a team – 9 on the field). These athletes are all at the top of their game, literally. In addition, you get shopping: T-shirts, accessories, hats; granted, orange / black is the complete color palette. There is a Jumbo-tron for even more sensory overload- exciting music, food and drink everywhere and a totally convivial atmosphere. What’s not to like?

2. REI – Guys are into verbs.

They run, jump, jog, hike, climb, camp, spelunk, swing, hit, paddle, row, lift, toss, throw, thump, thwack, bounce and batter…you get the idea. And what better store to buy all those handy objects to do verbs with? REI is the ultimate sporting goods store. Also Sports Basement and Sports Authority.

The strategy, ladies, is to ask questions. As a rule, men who frequent sporting goods store generally know from table tennis and fly rods and avalanche transceivers. Care about a carabiner? You’ll learn ‘quick-draw’ has nothing to do with guns and that information on the Seven Simple Machines you learned in sixth grade may come in handy (pulley, lever, wedge, etc.) If you want to know the difference between tents and tense –ask a man.

3. Wine Tasting Events – See the Chronicle’s Pink Section  for great updates on the 4-1-1- for Wine Events. We are very fortunate to live in Northern California and to have Napa and Sonoma mere miles away. Wine can be a pleasure, a hobby, a passion and a necessity. Well known fact: men flock to wine tasting events.   See  “ Top Ten Things to do in San Francisco”

Fall is in the air and the Wine Country is humming, “I’ve Got a Crush on You.” It’s that time. Remember in college you asked every guy you met, “What’s your major?” Now the query of the age is, “What’s your favorite wine?”

4. Dog Walking – Crissy Field, Fort Funston, Stern Grove, I know a woman who borrowed her neighbor’s Black Lab to use as a prop when she walked through North Beach, and that’s how she met her beau. Yes, a new meaning to ‘attention getting devices.’ Dogs: not just man’s best friend, anymore.

5. Andronico’s/Mollie Stones – Mondays and Friday night – 6pm – 9pm.Mollie Stones and Andronico’s are teeming with single men. Women tend to shop on Saturdays and Wednesdays – and men tend to shop on Friday/Monday (yes, this applies to Trader Joe’s, Rainbow and Whole Foods)

For more info: See Saturday in San Francisco and Tomorrow’s column:             The Conclusion of the Top Ten Places to Meet Men in San Francisco. Observations re: Getting Specialized with Bicycles, golf, more wine and the gym.

I need a date, Coach~

It couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy…

 Matt, 47, lives in San Francisco, was married for 20 yrs – now divorced – is new to the dating whirl. Although he is divorced for almost a year, he is still in that quasi-reclusive stage. Some say all that time dealing with judges and lawyers took the joie  de vivre and the starch out of him.

Friends have  encouraged him to get ‘out there and date”.  They have regaled him with dating success stories and yet, he is hesitant to go beyond a second date.

Serendipity happens when you least expect it

Matt recently attended a Medical Equipment  sales conference at the downtown Hilton.  He said the  hotel was teeming with conventioneers.  On the first day he noticed dozens of women, and a handful of men,  flocking to a particular ballroom near his meeting room. He said there were  a ton of pink balloons and multiple  giant vases with red roses at the entrance to the room where all the women seemed to be heading.

Impulsively- he joined  a “swarm” of fast talking, fast moving women and entered the lively room with them. He deftly removed his  name tag and folded his suit jacket over his arm and sat down.

He said the attractive woman next to him started chatting him up -not realizing she was sitting next to the King of Small Talk.  In no time  he realized the signs reading “WRD/LCC” was for the

Western Region Dating / Life Coach Convention.

His first impulse was to dash – an obvious impostor, he might be discovered… then he thought, sat back, relaxed and decided: “what a deal”

Matt is  an interesting guy – he  enjoyed great success in his career, is a total Mid West – never met a stranger- kind of a guy…

His 20 year marriage evaporated when his wife ran away with the pool boy - actually, it was with the guy who owned the Tri-State Pool Installation mega corporation.

As the opening statements continued, Matt became  the totally intrigued interloper. He tells of  being fascinated by what he learned from the panel 0f  Dating Coaches.

It took One morning

Within two hours – a crash course -   Matt was launched  into the: I can do this -  dating stratosphere. He stayed for the morning presentations and was dazzled by the flood of information about on-line dating ….

What’s the eHarmony in trying this dating site?

Been around the ‘Dating block’ enough times to be an official survivor storyteller?

After years of being married to Mr. or Mrs. Wrong and the ensuing divorce, many of us quickly sign up for Internet dating.

Inspired by those romantic eHarmony ads on TV, we bite.

They say 15,000 people every day fill out the infamous questionnaire.

It can take in excess of 90 minutes to complete the extremely long questionnaire: comprised of 426 seemingly  inane questions covering 29 dimensions. Who knew there was life after the Fifth Dimension?

Finally, you pay hefty $60 for a one month membership. Harmony claims the quality of the service and that “sophisticated matching algorithm” and personality analysis, are so worth it…

Good News- Bad News

Shortly thereafter, you receive an analysis of your personality and a description of your “perfect mate”. Okay. Most of us are seduced by flattery and eHarmony will send pages of prose extolling your virtues. You may be honest, loyal, and steadfast like a Boy Scout. Or Eclectic, eccentric and exceptionally unusual. To say eHarmony paints with a broad brush only begins to describe the way they analyze your attributes. Bottom line? We all want to see a long list of perfect match -Prince or Princess Charmings. In the TV ads, couples evidently connected at breakneck speed. There seemed to be a lot of happily- ever- after- going on, right?

Hurry Up and Wait

Then, much to your chagrin, you learn what the term ‘glacially slow’ means. A glacier moves one tiny fraction of a millimeter of an inch every several thousand days – just like eHarmony. Okay, so my exact glacier mass measurements are fiction — but the fact that eHarmony is slow is pure fact. Be prepared to wait, for a very long time.

Just like Christmas Morning

Anne, an eHarmony escapee and one of the Yoga Babes said this about her so-called perfect matches: “One man lived 95 miles away and was three inches shorter than I am in my stocking feet. Lauren, a cattle rancher near Reno liked chess and NASCAR. Me? Not so much. He was ten years older than I am. Next, Frank of Santa Rosa (doesn’t anybody live in San Francisco?) was a pilot, a triathlete and made his own tofu. Granted, I have a preconceived notion about triathlons and I won’t try an athlete who trains 20 hours a week.

I want a guy who likes to walk on the beach, not swims to Alcatraz; I like taking a leisurely ride through Golden Gate Park; not at breakneck speed.

The final ‘exact match’, or so they claimed, was Roland from Fresno. He liked cigars, port, his Bible and his six greyhounds- dogs, not buses. My allergies kicked in, just reading his profile. We didn’t have a thing in common. So, what I hoped would be like ‘Christmas morning’ was more like three lumps of coal. I quit after one month of disappointment. I’m now on Match.com and happier with the results.”

Worth a Try?

One size does not fit all and there are tens of thousands of very happy members on eHarmony. The website is a treasure trove of opportunities. You can order flowers, Fandango tickets, buy insurance, and, yes even  prescription drugs and there are pages and pages of pretty mild dating  advice. Seriously. It may be a perfect fit for your lifestyle and expectations.

You don’t know until you’ve done some research. Have fun on the quest.

“What would life be if we had no courage to attempt anything?” Vincent van Gogh

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