Dear Page Larkin,
You suggested trying two online dating sites. Two weeks ago, I signed up for eHarmony. I paid $60 for a one-month trial.
I heard they ask hundreds of questions- and then present you with a Personality analysis (The Book of You) and dates! You mentioned they spend a lot of time listing your virtues and assets. I didn’t have that experience
Ouch! eHarmony hurts- like a fortune cookie
Not one to stand on ceremony, after carefully answering the first 50 questions, I whipped through next few hundred questions and posted those all-important pictures, I played 20 Questions – wrote the mini essays (My favorite books, My favorite movies, My favorite mentor, etc.) paid the big bucks, was ready to go.
First off: eHarmony wrote a book about me… Called “The Book of Mike”
These are the actual opening remarks from Eharmony:
“You know what, Mike? This entire paragraph could be written out completely using, “blah blah blah” but it doesn’t. You are keen and aware to notice that there’s a lot more here than just fluff. Let’s explore it!”
- You are Stable, Composed, Poise, Cold, and Insensitive
- Your perspective is very colorful because of your curiosity too. You are Original, Bold, Quirky, and Out-of-touch.
The six-page synopsis of “me” seemed to be in written by somebody just learning American English in New Delhi. “Blah-blah-blah?”
The clumsy writing- resembling fortune cookie wisdom- was laughable. Except, I didn’t laugh. Being Bold, Cold, Quirky and Insensitive my humor had dissipated.
- Do you carry sunshine in a bag when it rains? (What?)
- You may be solid as a rock, but you’re not as cold as stone. (Huh?)
- When life is good, you laugh with friends and share tender moments with those you’re closest to. And when you’re sad or scared, you honor those feelings and then push past them. (Push past my friends?)
- You gather information from books, conversations and general observations about the world – (Really?)
In this barrage of nonsense, non-sequiturs, and poorly written parlance my very favorite line was, “Did your parents expect you’d be walking the streets of Hollywood?”
Four words come to mind, “What are you smoking?”
eHarmony – the giant, should have a sophisticated computer Like “Hal” with those highly touted 29 Diminsions. and famous algorithms. They claim responsibility for 542 marriages a day through its “scientific approach.” Plus! The questionnaire that bored me (Are Crows Feet cute? Do you walk around naked? Does Chocolate fix everything?)
I waded through the babble – discounted all the inane comments and started reviewing all the “perfect matches” selected for me. I look at pictures, I am a man.
Ten women were dazzling –I sent each a note and sat back and waited. And waited. Still waiting. Turns out 5 of them are no longer on Eh – go figure?
Mike, 52, Single, SF- with a big bag of sunshine