Suddenly Single… Minded

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Archive for the tag “first dates”

Dating 101: pay attention to those Red Flags

Snow covered road closed sign

 See the Stop Signs and the big red flags -waving in the wind?  Pay attention to ‘The Clues”

Henry and Crystal met online. She sent a quick note saying how entertaining she found his profile. He wrote back a very complimentary note- citing a couple of things the two had in common- and suggested she call him or send an e-mail.

Crystal was attracted to him because of his interest in jazz and Cuban music, his travels, his love of poetry, and they both liked to the same movies.

He was a recent widow, which gave her pause. She knew no one gets over the death of a spouse in a year.  He might be fragile and maybe not ready for dating. She decided to talk to him on the phone and check him out.

The phone call- easy and comfortable and lasted a half an hour. He seemed pleased to hear from her – and she wondered if he knew exactly which Match.com woman she was. His was gracious and easy to talk to. Up front, he mentioned his wife’s death and some illnesses he had experienced. He asked her if she’d like to go to lunch.

Coffee Date

Crystal decided a noncommittal coffee date would be better start. They agreed to meet two days later at the coffee shop downtown.

Henry’s picture online was vibrant and happy. The man who came to the coffee shop was a little hunched over and had a slight limp. He had sparkling blue eyes, was a little shy and polite.

After very the routine, small talk he asked her about her health. Really? She said she’d twisted her ankle on the hike a week ago, it was finally better. How was he? He then lapsed into a lengthy recap of recent maladies. The list was long. Boringly long. Buzz kill long. (red flag)

In the course of the conversation, he shared he had a bit of a mood disorder- he was sometimes depressed. (red flag) Little miss sunshine, Crystal asked if he tried any prescriptions to rectify the problem. He had tried one, it didn’t work and so he had given up. (red flag)Exit Sign

It didn’t take long for Crystal realized this was a dead end.

Her wise mother had once warned her about men who were looking for one of two things: a nurse or purse.  Initially, Crystal had scoffed the idea. And, that day she embraced it. She knew the energy level she was attracted to…and,this was not it.

She graciously thanked Henry for meeting her, and wished him all the luck in the world in finding “a perfect match.”

Next!

TIP: Ask more questions on that initial phone call.

 

A warning sign for the public

 

 

 

 

 

 

How to: the first date – call the whole thing off?

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The First Date: Dreamy or a Nightmare?

You arrive – butterflies in tow- excited and curious to meet Danville Don Juan. The two of you have emailed a few times and spoke on the phone. You both heartily
Agree texting is for sissies and a dead end form of initial communication.

There is consensus to meet in a clean, well-lighted place. Starbucks lacks imagination and serves a purpose.

Are we there yet?

He suggests going to Happy Hour at the Saloon. You suggest coffee at Cafe Trieste. He nixes that and offers to buy your ticket to the Tom Cruise blockbuster replete with robots, guns, and stupendous special effects. You suggest walking in Golden Gate Park – end up at the Cliff House. Nah, truth be told, he is not much of a walker, how about a drink?

You begin to see the multitude of huge red flags flapping – danger, darling, dead end ahead. He likes happy hour, you prefer coffee houses – you like the great outdoors
And he isn’t that great – outdoors. You have less in common than you thought.

Cut bait and call it off

Now is the time to say, “It looks like we are not a match. It was nice meeting you, good luck and good bye.”

Lesson learned: Calm down, ask lots of questions on those first few phone calls to see if you really have anything in common.

Simply living in the same town is not enough. Dead end first dates are a waste – on so many levels – avoid at all costs.

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Brave enough for a first date?

photo_856_20060117two coffeeYou’ve seen them at the Boulange, Peet’s and Starbucks. You can tell: first date.

She walks in, looking around for a complete stranger. She glances at the face of every male in the room – seriously hoping her first date-guy looks like the photo he posted online.

When the ‘closest facsimile’ waves her over to his table, with a broad smile, she cautiously walks over to join him. She is still walking on thin ice and treading lightly. You notice they both have fake and cautious smiles plastered on their faces, half nervous, half curious.

Both are quickly adjusting to the “First-Meeting Sticker Shock.” Their minds are racing like a deck of shuffling cards.

Best-case inner dialogue could be: “Phew. Wow. What a relief! They look exactly like the photo”.

Or worst-case scenario, both parties -with frozen smiles and minds racing with thoughts like: “What was I thinking? What a mistake. OMG. How can I get out of this? How long do I have to stay? Check please.”

alarm clockAt worst, you wasted 30 minutes…try, try, again.

Next time: ask more questions; exchange a couple more emails; talk on the phone.

Yes, skip texting – speak to the person before actually meeting. There is no obligation to meet anyone. anytime.

It’s a Dance

You have to admire people who take the plunge, who get out there and do the dating dance. Some days, it’s like a waltz – other times it’s the Twist…or a jitterbug- fast and frenetic. When two hearts and minds collide and match – that’s the best.

Writing Profiles in Courage?

For every couple grimacing through the awkward stages of meeting somebody for coffee for the first time, there are hundreds of us sitting at home pretending to be satisfied with watching TV with a cat, surfing the web and all that other single, solitary, alone stuff.

Bravo to the brave of heart who wear their hearts on their sleeves and get out there and make the effort to meet somebody new. Gold Medals all around for the brave and the few. It’s a brave new world?

Why not put your single big toe into the Dating Game?

Today is the first day of the rest of your social life. Get out there and have fun.

Put these on Post-it notes:

“When we are unable to find tranquility within ourselves, it is useless to seek it elsewhere.” François de la Rochefoucauld

“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes.

You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.

You’re on your own.

And you know what you know. You are the guy who’ll decide where to go.” – Dr. Seuss

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