Divorced, but not dead? Dating again at 50

Tricia had not been on a date in 24 years.

She met her now-former husband in college-married- no kids.

20 years flew by before he decided the younger, blonder, BMW sales gal was more his style. Bam! Tricia woke up divorced -after being confounded by the nefarious San Francisco judge, Marjorie Slabach. That’s another nightmare.

When he moved out, he took the best of everything: the best art, the best wine, the best sheets (Frette) towels, silver (Georg Jensen.) Thinking, “He’ll be back,” Tricia was compliant, numb and pretty much brain dead -for a time.

Dazed and stricken dumb, (anger had not reared her ugly little head, yet) Tricia cocooned and watched a lot of Netflix. She saw all of Madmen, Breaking Bad, Homeland, Wallender/Swedish version, Luther, and The Wire.

Then, for some reason, she was drawn to “Say, Yes to the Dress.” She wanted Randy, the star of the show – slightly sarcastic, enormously calm, the wedding dress ‘Divo,’ to be her new best friend. When she shared this last bit with her therapist, Dr Q- he strongly urged her to turn off the TV, get out of the house, and return the calls to her friends – it was time.

Friends and family had been calling, showing up and having mini- interventions, to no avail.

Eventually, Tricia went back to book club, started hiking with her pals Linda and Julie, and was slowly getting back to her old self. Her patient and loyal clients re-surfaced and she eased back to work full-time.

Beginners Luck?

On the 2nd anniversary of her divorce, Tricia was up and running on Match.com. Months before, in a pique of boredom, she had taken a look at Craigslist singles, OKCupid, and Plenty of Fish. She picked up the rope and decided to join the fun. Slowly.

Edward, (San Mateo, 59, medical researcher, newly single) had been on Match.com for less than 30 minutes before Tricia sent him a quick note. He was flattered and intrigued – and wrote back. After a spate of e-mails- they spoke on the phone. For an hour. They spoke again, that night – for 90-minutes. It turns out they had mutual friends in Los Angeles, had much in common and the rest is history – they been “an item” ever since. It happens. It could happen to you.

Reality check

No glass slippers, no magic apples or mirrors and smoke. It takes a little verve, a little nerve and a desire to “meet someone.” So you kiss a frog, get over it. Now is the time – get social – be social – and have fun out here. Try a 7-Day Free Trial on the dating site that resonates with you. Good luck!

Long Live Maurice Sendak! All Hail – 85th Birthday…

From 2012…Sendak called a Newt….an idiot of great renown

Where the vile things are – Maurice Sendak speaks to Stephen Colbert

Take a minute and watch

The Colbert Report with Maurice Sendak – All about Newt…books…kids… 

“Do Not Miss Interview”

Thank you Maurice Sendak and Stephen Colbert

“newt

…an idiot of great renown…something so hopelessly gross and vile…”

Beware: Online dating hype – the kids aren’t right

What time is it at OurTime.com?

Today I received a newsy e-mail from a 20-something, marketing strategist from OurTime.com- the 50+ dating site. (Match.com in sheep’s clothing?)

It was a colorful communiqué regarding the myriad fabulous properties of OurTime.

Scarlett or Skylar – with mere days of experience under her belt- was touting the fabulous–ness of the dating website. Funny thing: Match, Chemistry.com, OKCupid.com  and Our Time look exactly the same – but different.

Why? Because they all have the same titanically huge Barry Diller IAC parent company: IAC (See IAC holdings below)*

Q. Who are these 50+ daters?

The copy said that primarily the people involved OurTime are

“Single Moms and Dads Comprise the Population: The membership ratio for OurTime.com is 45% men to 55% women, and 69% of these sassy singles are single parents.”

A. We are Sassy Singles? Really?

 Is that what we – the 50-somethings, look like? Sassy? That’s the best they could come up with?

I would be happy with sleek, sophisticated, savvy- but: sassy? No. That may ring bells among the young, hip and single little 20-something’s.   Babycakes, when you hit the big 50- sassy is not what we aspire to- ever.

Date your own decade

If you are like me, when you walk up to the cosmetic counter at a department store, you prefer a person our own vintage to a sassy 20-something- to sell you on a product.

The cute young things at the Chanel counter, Estée Lauder, and now the Lancôme counter – have no clue about skin, aging, and going forward. Ditto, a 20-something has little insight what it’s like to be 50, suddenly single, or having gone through a lengthy marriage / divorce.  These are called Life’s Experiences – and, they come with age…

The kids want to tell us what it’s like to get back in the dating game? Please.

 There are no classes and no books that you can read, Binkie, to bring you up to speed on dating a 50.

Add my name to the long list of people who make a beeline away from the kids at the counter/online espousing great knowledge and wisdom on the social scene for 50-somethings.

Admittedly, I am a sucker for alliteration, however. I take exception with this OurTime hype:

Hot & Happy: 87% of singles ages 50-70 said physical attraction between a partner was a “must have,” and singles 65+ are happier with their love lives than singles in their 20s (62% vs. 53%).

 And, at OurTime.com – it gets worse - 

“Ubiquitous Elders: Given the growth of the demographic, it’s no surprise that OurTime.com has seen membership jump 66% in the last two years. But online dating is booming for 50+ singles in certain cities, especially.”

(What, especially?)

And so, kidlets everywhere –  whether it is our time, your time, or their time,  know one thing: that it takes time to learn the ropes. And, there is no such thing as beginners luck in the game of life.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*IAC owns a slew of companies and websites including a Dozen Dating Sites:

• About.com
• Aereo
• Ask.com
• Bagsbuy.com
• BlackPeopleMeet.com
• Chemistry.com
• CityGrid Media
• Citysearch
• CollegeHumor
• CozyBoots.com
• DailyBurn
• Dictionary.com
• Dorkly
• dumbdumb
• Electus
• Felix
• Hatch Labs
• LoveandSeek.com
• Match.com
• Meetic
• Mindspark Interactive Network
• Newsweek / The Daily Beast
• Notional
• nRelate
• OkCupid
• OurTime.com
• People Media
• Pronto
• Rebel Entertainment
• Reference.com
• SeniorPeopleMeet.com
• HomeAdvisor
• Shoebuy.com
• SinglePeopleMeet.com
• Singlesnet.com
• SpeedDate.com
• Sportspickle.com
• Thesaurus.com
• Tutor.com
• Urbanspoon
• Vimeo

Ladies, start your manners

Sweetie, tough cookies don’t do well in the dating game

 Six men met in the back room at Bix on Gold Alley to debrief about their old divorces and new dating dilemmas. The ground rules were: no names, no bashing.

 It was just six suddenly single guys around age 50/60 who had too many nightmares and not enough dream dates –and they wanted to “share.” We met for 90 minutes. Their biggest complaint was that women today are less than polite – they are rude.

Mike D. said he keeps running into women who lack social graces. He admits to being ‘old school” and holds a door open for a woman, opens a car door, says “ Please and thank you.” However, he thinks the women he meets online are abrupt, rude and bossy. The other men nodded, in agreement.

He was the first to opine that after a dinner (expensive) many woman fail to say, “Thank you.” Rather, he has heard on more than one occasion, “We don’t have chemistry. Taxi!”

Ladies, an appropriate comment after a date is, “Thank you.”

 (Thank you for a (choose one) wonderful/interesting/ good date– I enjoyed getting to know you” … is also appropriate.)

Conversely, if a date goes bad and you are uncomfortable or troubled by your date’s behavior (rude, rage, vulgar, a troglodyte) – use these two words: “Check, please!”

John K. said a woman on Match.com contacted him and said ‘Call me.’ He called – it sounded like she was in the car- in commute traffic and obviously distracted. Within two minutes, she said, “Let’s meet tomorrow at 6 pm at the hotel bar.” He moved appointments and made it on time. They met and within five minutes she said, “There is no chemistry here.” And she walked out of the café. All the guys agreed: he dodged a bullet.

 The Girls

 Kendra is a client who works downtown in a male-dominated profession. She admits she has become more aggressive just to stay on top of the game. She’s been told that she is both brassy and bold by some of her dates.  She says she has tried to tone it down. She is till working on it.

 Gail works in the District Attorney’s office. Her first husband used to tell her to  ‘Lose the claws and tuck in her fangs.’ before she came home from work.  Her second has husband recently made comments to the same effect.  She admits she has become one very tough cookie. Her closest friends readily agree.

 Tough cookies don’t do well in the dating game – generally speaking.

 Howard A. (52, Ph.D., poet, runner) said he took an attractive woman (55, teacher, swimmer) to dinner at Epic Roadhouse and thought they were having a nice time. The chatted amiably, liked many of the same things, and after dessert she said, “I have to get back to my son. ”Which was a bizarre way to end a date. Her son is 25. Later that evening she sent Howard A. an e-mail indicating she couldn’t date a man who didn’t have children. Really?

 NOTE: Girls and boys, “winking” on Match.com is the lowest form of flirtation. Don’t do it. Take the 60-seconds it takes to pen a one-liner.

And please don’t say you are ‘Super shy and can’t write.’ Get in the game- make an effort. This is the dating game where you have to extend yourself to meet somebody. Standing by the sidelines and hoping to be noticed is not the way to get involved.

Helene of Troy writes in her profile “I’m a very shy person- if I look at your profile that means I might like you. Please be in touch with me.” Hey, Helene, get real. Extend a little energy and get in the game.

Girls, here are First Three Rules of Dating 

#1. Always say ‘thank you.’

#2 First date: offer to pay your half.  At a meal-offer to pay for the drinks or the dessert- don’t assume the man is going to pick up the tab.

#3. If an individual has gone to the trouble of sending you and-mail, the courteous thing to do  (even if the person is not your liking) is to respond.  Thank the person for the correspondence and either go forward or say, “Thanks, we are not a match – good luck.”

Ladies, please incorporate those three simple etiquette rules into your lifestyle and there will be fewer Men’s Groups lamenting dating in San Francisco in 2013. Thank you!

 

 

 

Your first date is a flop if one of these 10 things happens

Top 10 reasons you’re not going on that second date

The initial flirty e-mails have been exchanged, you’ve had a couple of interesting phone calls and you agree to meet

at a coffee shop (bar, bakery, museum, walk on the beach.) Let the fun begin – unless one of these ten debacles occurs.

 No crystal ball required- it’s easy to see your first date is a flop if one of these 10 things happens:

1. You meet, start talking and you don’t stop. They are bored to tears by your monologue. Check, please!
2.  You decide skip the light fantastic and agree to go dancing. A surprise – you’re thinking Top of the Mark- however, they take you to the KOFY Television Dance Party- your date is a vision of John Travolta in a wig  and a swirl of  fringe, sequins, lame, and Go-Go boots. Change the channel!
3. The waiter brings the bill and you say, “Would you mind? I forgot my wallet.” Au Revoir.
4. You walk in: 10 years older and 20 pounds heavier than your posted profile photo. No second date for you.
5. You it down at the table and say “Oh! I thought you were a lot (choose one offensive adjective) younger, thinner, prettier, in your online pictures.  So, how old are you?” Say good night, Gracie.
6. You nonchalantly divulge you don’t really live in San Francisco, you’re not actually employed, and not a doctor, lawyer, Indian chief and you really don’t hike, bike camp or play a sport – however you love reality TV (especially ‘The Bachelor’ and “Millionaire Matchmaker’ )finally, you confide you think Jerry Springer is a genius negotiator. Sorry! Wrong number.
7. You arrive with a tiny white dog on pink rhinestone leash, which demands your full attention. You keep the dog in your lap and hug and kiss your little “baby.” Oh! Look at the time – need my allergy shot –bye!
8. You flirt with the waitress, leave for a  ‘quick smoke’, send three text messages during the 20 minutes of your first and last coffee date; you talk with your mouth full, stir your coffee with your pen, sneeze off to the right – no coverage- and ask “Hon, can you pay this time?” Hasta la vista, baby.
9. An avid reader, you claim that 50 Shades of Gray is your favorite trilogy, your unemployment is running out and you need a couch to surf on for a while. Buh-bye.
10. They take you to an elegant downtown restaurant, your order an expensive appetizer, entrée, dessert, wine and then you say, “I dunno, I’m not feeling the chemistry. Wanna try this again?” See ya!“nevermore”

Google the Guy – one woman’s story

Kendra H from San Francisco writes:

Dear Page Larkin:

I’ll be the first to admit: math is not my strong suit. 


I don’t write down every check in a ledger and I around off all my numbers- it’s easier.

However, I can conjugate any verb in three languages. My participles never dangle, and I will never use a double negative. I studied linguistics and Romance Languages and have a few degrees. None in math.

It was my best friend, Becky, who said those three words that started the beginning of the end of my romance with Marc.

I met Marc on Match.com He was a filmmaker, inventor, skier, chef and jazz pianist. We were both 50-something and from the Midwest. He was polite, attentive and free to travel. He had a varied and colorful career and was a talented storyteller.

He attended two Ivy League schools and Cal  -plus he had a veritable alphabet soup of miscellaneous degrees after his name. He mentioned Patents and some copyrights- all this fell on deaf ears. I was swept up in a blizzard of early romance and didn’t read any of the fine print.

Our rapid romance: fun and also somewhat unsettling.

As much as I liked Marc, and I did, there was something awry. Remember the fable about the Princess and the Pea? I couldn’t put my finger on it. There was something – was it too good, or too much?

Then my best friend in the whole world, Becky, asked me a simple question -she asked me about Marc’s accomplishments.

Blithely, I recounted a number of his degrees and the schools he told me he attended.   She looked at me quizzically and said, “This guy is 50 and has done all that?”  I nodded ‘yes’, and she said those three-most- hated words:  “Do the math.”

Incredulous, I counted backwards and realize that a PhD., two masters degrees, an MBA and a BA and 25 year career as an engineer as well as inventor, chef in Aspen, competitive skier and jazz pianist might not quite add up.

I began to scribble on the paper napkin. Well, I mused, he was an over-achiever. And he was always busy and had friends all over the world. And I assumed he was telling the truth

Then Becky asked me if I had Googled Marc. Naïve me: it never dawned on me to Google him.

We had met on line and I thought I did due diligence in asking all the right questions. He was the consummate gentleman and the whole Google process had escaped me.   She said “Google the guy.”

Needless to say, I went right home and Googled Marc Goldman* Guess how many Marc Goldmans there are? And how many hits Google has for Marc Goldman? Evidentl, this is a very common name in the United States and the world.

My friend Diana, Ms Ph.D-  came over that night and helped me do an advanced Google search. She’s part Nancy Drew, adroit  in Research and Development,and a dedicated friend. Within minutes. She came up with my Marc, on the mark.

TMI?   In  date  land, there’s no such thing as too much information.

So I Googled the Guy – and I encourage you to do the same  -  I quickly punctuated that chapter in my life with a definitive adios, hasta la vista, so long, au revoir. Pass this Advice on, please.

~~~~* Not His Real Name

Great Advice! Boys and Girls – always Google…or Bing your dates. No, you cant be too careful.

Have fun out there!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Are you suddenly single: divorced, separated, widowed – alone?

You only live twice

 Today, a half-million of us are hovering around 50, suddenly single again, and starting a new chapter – whether we are widowed, divorced, retired or just tired – with the kids finally launched…Now is the time: Your Turn. Get ready to take time for you.

Just Do It?

After decades of caring for spouses, bosses, kids, clients, aging parents, volunteering and balancing – all of the above – now it’s your time.  Don’t waste another day.

You want fries with that? Exactly what do you want?

 For some, finding yourself Suddenly Single can be like the heavens opening, choirs of angels singing Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah, ‎a balloon drop, confetti falling and a cacophony of Veuve Cliquot champagne corks popping.

Others might have a more subdued reaction to finding themselves alone – again – fearing an Eleanor Rigby life.

 Kids, Try this at home: Take a pen and paper; take moment to think, then write-down “The Top 10 Things I Want Right Now.”

Your “I Want Now” List could include a nap, a lover, a dog or a ticket to Miami, Mexico, or Montréal.

 Maybe you want an iPad, a standing/weekly movie date, banishing the grey and going Blonde, a Bunco group, a clean garage or a new pair of Mephistos or Manolo Blahniks. Perhaps you’ve always wanted to go to ‘Sweat Your Prayers’ in Sausalito on a Sunday or Friday night parties at the DeYoung, or to take beginner Tango lessons in Berkeley, or any classes at the Learning Annex. Do it.

Have you wondered where the Andy Goldsworthy art-pieces are in San Francisco are? Find them. Take a tour. Discover Dynamo Donuts Evensong at Grace, Litquake, Bay to Breakers and volunteer someplace fun – like a film festival – not a church. Invite a friend to join you.

Read the San Francisco Chronicle Sunday Pink Section, the Pacific Sun and Johnny FunCheap’s list of events all over the Bay Area. Make a point to do something really fun every week. No holds barred.

Go outside- breathe- walk. Explore San Francisco and all it has to offer.

 If you can dream it – you can write it – put it out there.

 Helga D.  mentioned to her neighbors, just in passing, she wanted a new bike and , bingo – they gave her an older Specialized bike they didn’t use. Brigid told her Pilates buddies she was finally ready to date…slowly and – girls being girls- suggested a guy or two-for her trial dating foray. When Anne P.  was setting up her new newly divorced apartment – she had little or no furniture – Bob and Pam from her school were moving in together –had duplicates of everything and gave her a couch, table, and chairs. Kismet.   

Tell your friends, family, neighbors, acquaintances what you are looking for – put it our there – and see what happens.

Then tell me: page.larkin@gmail.com

 

The Top Seven Places to Break up in San Francisco

 

The List: Seven Best Places to Break Up in San Francisco.

Breaking Up – just like the song – is hard to do. Really. I’ve done it so many times I have become an authority on the subject.

“Some people come into our lives and leave sweet footprints on our hearts and we are never quite the same…other people come in and tap dance or stomp all over our hearts and we need a transplant…”

The following are the  Top 7  Places to Break up in San Francisco.

1. The Palace of the Legion of Honor.  After 10 a.m. before 5 p.m.

If you’re going to sever contact it must be done in a public place.  And have parking.  And a view.

Under Rodin’s “The Thinker” is perfect – on so many levels- historical and reeking with symbolism.

2. Gino and Carlo’s in North Beach.

Best Saturday Afternoon break up Site 

You won’t be noticed crying in your beer here. Majority of denizens are male, over 60, with red rimmed eyes and pasted to barstool. Let’s just say – the natives don’t get restless at G n C’s…and you can deliver walking papers – and disappear. Head over to XOXO Truffles on Columbus Avenue.

3. Bill’s Hamburgers on Clement St.

Weekdays 1 p.m. to 2 p.m. ~ perfect timing. Lively noisy, good atmosphere and servers have a sixth sense about leaving couples alone. Say your piece. Peace. And leave. Feel like walking? Ocean Beach is nearby… Harding Park and the Cliff House both within a short distance.

4. The Palace Hotel Market Street and Montgomery

It’s elegant and historic. Just like your relationship. The hotel housed presidents and starlets and has been the scene of mayhem and murder. It has withstood earthquakes and could withstand your trembler of a breakup. Do it in the Maxfield Parrish Pied Piper bar, teeming with the self-absorbed ~ and they will not notice you. You’ve got the security of masses of humanity, great art and a sumptuous men’s club atmosphere.

5. The Philosopher’s Club- West Portal- near the Tunnel.

This is a sports bar with herds of 20s and 30-year-olds and die hard drinkers. An ideal location for the hasta la vista, bon soir, ciao, speech. You can easily meet, greet, and breakup and walk out to catch the J., K., L., M. car and be home in less than an hour.

6.The Labyrinth at Grace Cathedral. On Nob Hill

The contemplative way. Meet at Grace Cathedral at 430PM on Thursday. Tell your soon to be EX you want to walk the labyrinth- inside. Revel in the peace and solitude of the labyrinth. Rehearse your breakup speech. When you finish, Slip into pew in the back of the beautiful cathedral.

Keep it short. Keep it sweet.  one-sided. Wish him or her goodbye.

And walk to the sanctuary and be seated. Lose yourself in Evensong from 5:15 p.m. to 6 p.m. and breathe.

Be with your thoughts. You Be in the presence of angels- the Cathedral boys choir. Take the time to revel in the day and the future.  The bar across the street at the Huntington Hotel – is another sanctuary.

7 .The Cliff House

Downstairs at Lookout Point. Overlooking Ocean Beach. Perfect location – birds swooping over the water, waves roiling – ocean sounds as a backdrop.

There’s something very soothing and calming about watching waves. It helps with the pacing of your message and easy parking makes for a facile departure. Free Parking. Golden Gate Park minutes away.

.

Life is just a bowl of cherries, don’t take it serious, its mysterious. Life is just a bowl of cherries, so live and laugh and laugh at love, love a laugh, laugh and love.

Bob Fosse

Ready to quit the Dating Game?

Sick and tired of the Suddenly Single and I’m supposed to be dating scene?

Are you tired, run-down, listless? Do you poop out at parties? Are you unpopular?

The answer to all your dating problems: Is try, try again. 

So you have already tried Match.com, Yahoo Personals, eHarmony, Plenty of fish, JDate, and Craigslist.

Who hasn’t?  Okay, so maybe you haven’t… it’s not a bad thing to try various and sundry dating sites.

Just like the song: You’ve got to Shop Around

If first you strike out – update, improve, re-think your online profile. How do you come across? Do the research – see what other 50 and Suddenly Singles are writing.  Give it a few months – learn the ropes. Note:  it is very important to be pro-active. Reach out and communicate with others. Send out  quick, short, friendly “intro emails”   every day. Yes, every day. It’s a numbers game.

If after all that – you still come up dry and it feels like a dead end: quit that site  (remove all photos, and every trace and cancel your membership.)

 Your next assignment is to a try new site.

Start Fresh. First, post new pictures, take some time to answer the questions – remember, don’t panic about  writing a tome, or a clever witty, attention getting best seller – being succinct is fine. Test the waters and be yourself.

 It’s a well-known fact that men are more apt to “shop” photos and read profiles later (maybe ) and women are 10 times more apt to read a man’s profile. 

Some studies say that women are  “more picky.” Perhaps, we are…nevertheless, you’ll never be in the game unless you sign up and get active. 

Come on in, the water is fine.

Dating at 50? Spring ahead

Who Me? Dating at 50?  Top Five Ways to Spring into Dating

It’s a well-known fact: Dating at 50 is a lot more fun than dating at 20.

Think about it: you are more interesting, smarter, and sexier and have way better life’s stories. And, you don’t have to ask your mom to borrow the car. Come on in, the water is delicious.

You’re not alone. There are 20+ million singles back in the dating game.  We may be single-so-far and looking, suddenly single via divorce, or really ready for a relationship.

Like you, many singles are bored and lonely – we may have played too much Solitaire and are ready to play a rousing game of Hearts.  And flowers … and romance.

Top Five Ways to Spring into Dating

1. Do talk to strangers. Everyday. It’s okay, and heartily recommended that you look members of the opposite sex in the eye, smile and say “Hi.” Do this o five strangers – every single day.” Have fun – spring is in the air.  Start now.
2.  Your mother was right: “Go outside and play.” It’s up to you – perform the ‘due diligence’ and find out where the action is (See: my columns: Top Ten Places to Meet Men and Women in Marin and San Francisco)   Get out of the house and join a walking, hiking, biking, rowing, kayaking, birding, debate, tennis, Ping-Pong, or spelunking club. Try Tango! Thoroughly examine Meetup.com for hundreds of organizations in your zip code.
3. Adopt and embrace the C’est la vie attitude. You know, life is short and why waste time? Throw off – (or gently remove)  that Shroud of Fear and relax into the singles playground. Tell your friends you are thinking about dating.4.
4. Be Brave.  So you are ready to start dating again? Want to get back in the saddle? Note: a virtual Greek chorus of friends and family may urge you, to get ‘Back on the horse.’  If you have images of a sweet pony-ride dancing in your head, be prepared. The 2013 foray may be a carnival ride – a-merry-go-round or  a Tilt-a-whirl – at first.
5. Research and sign up for an online dating site. Try a Free-7-Day Trial – which most big dating companies offer. You don’t need to write a thesis; answer the site’s questions simply,  succinctly with an authentic portrayal of you. Have fun. Yes, it may be exciting or make you very nervous – at first- enjoy the ride.

Some say,  “Better buckle up. It’s going to be a bumpy ride.”  But, a good ride.
Get in the game and enjoy the new adventures in the unique and novel Date World 2013. It will be as fun as you make it.