Suddenly Single… Minded

Welcome to the Wild and Whimsical World of Internet Dating

Wear Mistletoe – wear red and Flirt early and often

indexmistellletoeoeoeNow is really the Time to Flirt and Have Happy Holidays

If ever there was a time to be jolly and bright – now is the time.

Starting today: smile and say “Hey” to five people (read: persons of the opposite sex sans wedding ring). Repeat. Daily. Speak to people in line, at the store, on MUNI, in a cafe. Smile…

pumps-15Resolve to have fun this holiday season, start today. Wear red – red socks, sweaters, scarves, hats, gloves, pants…lingerie…you get the idea…red is a hot and sexy color – as are all people who wear red. It is a well-known fact.

Over 30?  Skip the Santa Hat. Please.

Get mistletoe – wear it on your lapel, on your hat- and hang it over every door you can …

I say play hard and work soft. Flirt often and carry a big smile.

Say hey, hey, hey at: Page.Larkin@gmail.com

 

A wet red christmas ball

Dating 101: A first date in less than 100 words


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One first date in less than 100 words

He said, “Lunch?”

 

I said, “Brunch?”

 

He said, “Nooner?”

 

I said, “Not so sooner.”

 

He said, “Your place or mine?”

 

I said, “Slow down, cowboy, we’ve only just met and not quite yet.”

 

He said, “Do you-Friends with Benefits?”

 

I said, “Benefits? Like Blue Cross? You blew it: too much, too soon, too fast.

Next!”

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“Women are made to be loved, not understood.”

Oscar Wilde

 

He snores – she snores: living together at 50+

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Last May, Karyn rolled her eyes and said that living with Robert was bliss-perfection-even more wonderful than she had imagined.

Except for that one little flaw. Flaw? Mr. Wonderful? Mr. Tall, dark, handsome, highly successful Robert?   She whispered, “He snores. A little like a small water buffalo.”

How bad was it? Move to another bedroom bad or just earplugs and melatonin bad? She was discreet in all their affairs, and merely waved her hand and tsk-ed, “Oh, not that bad.”

Flash forward to now-and Karyn is no longer fluffing this one off

She has dark circles under her eyes and the Bobbi Brown concealer barely conceals. And, she will quietly share she just had the first good night’s sleep in weeks, because Robert had gone to a meeting in Ontario. She reveled in the nocturnal silence. She thought about taping “The Quietude of the Boudoir” as a meditation tape she could play back with her Bose headphones when Robert returned.    She dismissed the idea as silly, but the night before he returned-she turned on her tape player to record three hours of white noise and pure silence. The next morning, she tucked tape player away in the bedside table.

Robert’s return was highly anticipated

Karyn shopped, prepped, and cooked his favorite meal to eat by candlelight, accompanied by Miles Davis and Keith Jarrett on their cool, old record player. He was clearly exhausted. He had a three-hour delay in Denver, missed an airline connection and was beat. After dinner, they retired to the bedroom – within minutes he was out and snoring.

For Karyn, the week of silence had been purely intoxicating and was now a distant memory as the cacophony of snorts, airbursts and coughs punctuated the night.

The tape!  Proud of her white-noise-invention, she found her Bose headphones and the mini-tape player and placed them on her side of the bed. She cleansed, toned, moisturized, and climbed into bed next to her amore as he belted raucous snores. Blissfully, she listened to her newly created, perfect, white noise tape. She could barely hear the muffled rustling of her satin duvet. As she was relaxing into silence, she heard a strange noise.

Something was wrong with the tape. It must be flawed. She heard a rush of air and a soft wheezing sound. The tape must be broken. Then she heard the pattern again. Louder.  Snoring! Had she taped Robert and forgotten?

No, as she listened to the shocking snorting noise, she sadly discovered she, too, snored. Somewhat softly – but, she had a small problem. She would erase the tape in the morning and head off to the health food store for Melatonin. And, maybe soothing, a sleep-inducing  Belleruth Naperstek ‎ tape, earplugs might be good…brandy…her mind was whirling- while the love of her life was sleeping like a baby.

Damn him. Sweet dreams…

who is lyin?

Top 5 Tips: Get your mojo moving on Match.com

photo_1799_20060717The man of the hour, Chad, was disenchanted. He thought women were merely “Window-shopping online” and not into getting to know, meet, talk or flirt with other attractive singles.

            “I love to flirt, and I’ve never met a man I didn’t like.” Dolly Parton

Flirt early. Flirt often and flirt with wild abandon. It pays off every time.

Here are 5 Tips to get your dating mojo moving:

  1. Reach out and touch someone:  Every day, check-in and play the game.

It all dates back to awkward Teen Dances where the girls were told they had to wait to be asked to dance. Good little girls waited by the wall…others went to the dance floor and danced the night away- happily. Boys and girls: no standing by at the wall – send a one-line note to three men/women every night – it doesn’t hurt.

  1. Date your own decade

Yes, 30-year-olds are hot. And, you think you are, too. Fact: You are their parent’s age. No one wants to date his or her dear old dad or his or her grandfather. Date your decade. You’ll have a lot more fun.

  1. Golden Rule: Treat others the way you want to be treated

So John/Martha sends you a “note.” They’re not your perfect match…so what do you do? Ignore them? No – simply write a quick note saying ‘Thank you for your interest, we are not a match and best of luck in the dating game.” Good karma points.

4. Please delete the grumpy old man/woman routine: Do not write this:

  • “Fair is fair! I posted my correct age and height, weight, you should too!”
  •   “Please post your accurate age, weight, height, income, and religious beliefs.”hearts

5. Reality check: What are the chances an intelligent grown up is going to post their income, their accurate age/ height/ weight/ religious truths to hundreds, nay, thousands of total strangers? Can you spell “ballpark?”

Why would anyone post his or her actual income on a public site?

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 Picture This: That professional, four-year-old photo – from the company brochure is “dated.”

Delete it and update your profile, Binkie.

                     I know: Radical Concepts flying in the face of Matchmaking.

Someone had to say it.

 Cheers!

 

Are women just window-shopping on Match.com?

Suddenly Single

Fact or Fiction? Women  are merely strolling the aisles, window-shopping on Match.com looking for Prince Charming?

Dear Page Larkin, There is more window-shopping than anything else online. Seems like most women are not truly interested in meeting anyone. Frustrated in Fremont

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Chad, (64, dedicated dad, well-travelled executive) dabbled in Match.com two years ago. He met a handful of interesting women – and something happened with each relationship: her kids were in crisis – he had to travel for months at a time with his job- life happened. He said he had a “pretty good” experience.

He gave up on Match.com for a while and just got ‘Back in the game,’ excited about the prospect of meeting somebody new. It had happened before.

Within two weeks, he said felt like women were window-shopping. Over 250 women looked at his profile. Not one woman extended a greeting –commented on photos- or dropped a note.

 He admits, he did hear from 12 women who found him attractive- he didn’t find them attractive, and and he did not respond to their e-mails.

(Note: Big points taken off for etiquette/ lack thereof- not responding. Bad Form.)

 And, he said there was no way he would respond to a “ Wink.” Like many, he was of the opinion that if you couldn’t put five words together to make a sentence -he wasn’t going to respond.

Strains of “I Can Get No Satisfaction” playing in the background.

What Quick and Easy 3 things can Chad do to engage and get noticed?

Tomorrow: Do Men Photo-Shop while women Window-Shop?

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eHarmony outsources romance and responses?

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 Who knew: eHarmony uses “New Delhi” for spicing up your life?

Dear Page Larkin,

You suggested trying two online dating sites. Two weeks ago, I signed up for eHarmony. I paid $60 for a one-month trial.

I heard they ask hundreds of questions- and then present you with a Personality analysis (The Book of You) and dates! You mentioned they spend a lot of time listing your virtues and assets. I didn’t have that experience

Ouch! eHarmony hurts- like a fortune cookie

Not one to stand on ceremony, after carefully answering the first 50 questions, I whipped through next few hundred questions and posted those all-important pictures, I played 20 Questions – wrote the mini essays (My favorite books, My favorite movies, My favorite mentor, etc.) paid the big bucks, was ready to go.

 First off: eHarmony wrote a book about me… Called “The Book of Mike”

These are the actual opening remarks from Eharmony:

You know what, Mike? This entire paragraph could be written out completely using, “blah blah blah” but it doesn’t. You are keen and aware to notice that there’s a lot more here than just fluff. Let’s explore it!”

  • You are Stable, Composed, Poise, Cold, and Insensitive
  • Your perspective is very colorful because of your curiosity too. You are Original, Bold, Quirky, and Out-of-touch.

The six-page synopsis of “me” seemed to be in written by somebody just learning American English in New Delhi. “Blah-blah-blah?”

The clumsy writing- resembling fortune cookie wisdom- was laughable. Except, I didn’t laugh. Being Bold, Cold, Quirky and Insensitive my humor had dissipated.

  • Do you carry sunshine in a bag when it rains? (What?)
  • You may be solid as a rock, but you’re not as cold as stone. (Huh?)
  • When life is good, you laugh with friends and share tender moments with those you’re closest to. And when you’re sad or scared, you honor those feelings and then push past them. (Push past my friends?)
  • You gather information from books, conversations and general observations about the world – (Really?)

In this barrage of nonsense, non-sequiturs, and poorly written parlance my very favorite line was, “Did your parents expect you’d be walking the streets of Hollywood?”

Four words come to mind, “What are you smoking?”

eHarmony – the giant, should have a sophisticated computer Like “Hal” with those highly touted 29 Diminsions. and famous algorithms. They claim responsibility for 542 marriages a day through its “scientific approach.”  Plus! The questionnaire that bored me (Are Crows Feet cute? Do you walk around naked? Does Chocolate fix everything?)

I waded through the babble – discounted all the inane comments and started reviewing all the “perfect matches” selected for me. I look at pictures, I am a man.

Ten women were dazzling –I sent each a note and sat back and waited. And waited. Still waiting. Turns out 5 of them are no longer on Eh – go figure?

Peace,

Mike, 52, Single,  SF- with a big bag of sunshine

EHARM

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Trader Joe’s Top 7 Successful Treats for First Date

photo_6760_20080814(2)rosesssTrader Joe’s: Saves the Date!

Here are Top 7 things for a perfect first date…

So you invited her over to your house for a drink before you go out to dinner and a movie. Good for you! And, you’re wondering, now what do I do?

Get thee to a Trader Joe’s and get these Top 7 Treats-  guaranteed to make your Cocktail Party for Two perfection:

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Flowers: Trader Joe’s has the best selection of cost-effective flowers you can find. By three bunches-trim the stems – consolidate two bunches in one vase – and use the third bunch- in another location of your home – the bedroom, or the bathroom…well done!

Wine: Trader Joe’s has a vast collection of cost-effective wines- pick out one red and one white. Chill the white.

Sparkling Water: Always have a couple of Sparkling on hand.

Hors d’oeuvres: Trader Joe’s is famous for it’s gourmet selection of really unusual a delicious nuts. They are the perfect cocktail snack. People go wild for Marcona Almonds lathered in olive oil and rosemary. Place in a small attractive bowl.

Say Cheese: You’ll be dazzled by the selection of cheeses from all over the world. Buy one wedge: try a rich triple cream or a Spanish Manchego.

(Pssst! You might want to seek out the Scallops Wrapped in Bacon.)

Fruit: Trader Joe’s has great organic selections. Buy a cluster of grapes for your cheese tray. And, Satsumas are a winner this month.

Going Crackers: Again, with the variety. Just in case she’s gluten-free – pick up a small, slim box of the yummy rice crackers- or – live wild and try one of the many Pita chip choices.

What is better than One Stop Shopping?

A host with the most!

Sweetsge570Yes, the Sirens call from the shelves of yummy decadent desserts and the “Thank You” cards are seductive…

One date at a time…

 

Today is International “Give Me A Hug” Day

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Hugs: Do it Early and Often

Click here and Hug Everywhere

 

 

I will not play tug o’ war. I’d rather play hug o’ war. Where everyone hugs instead of tugs,

Where everyone giggles and rolls on the rug,

Where everyone kisses, and everyone grins, and everyone cuddles, and everyone wins.

Shel Silverstein

The terrible, horrible, no good, very bad dates on Match.com

Dilapidated windowAlexa and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad Dates

 One Woman’s Story- Online Dating Disappoints: We are not a match!

Alexa is 57, divorced, RN, lives in San Francisco, has a son in college, is a mild hiker and art devotee. She decided to throw her hat in the ring and sign up with Match.com

Day #1

The dating company sent the first “batches o’ perfect matches.”

  • The first picture was of a guy on a big red tractor in a field. She had nothing in common with him.
  • The second was a photo of man kissing his cat. She loathed cats and worried about a guy posting a photo like that.
  • The third picture was three balding men all standing together a bar. They all looked alike. Who was the candidate?
  • Finally, there was a smattering headshots of men wearing all hiding behind sunglasses and baseball hats.

The last picture she could stand looking at that day was George from Palo Alto wearing a lampshade. And the message was: “I am dying to talk to you on the telephone. Please call immediately.” Bizarre.

Just as she was ready to ‘throw in the towel… she received an email from Match.com: Roberto wanted to “connect”

The barrage of disappointing matches was followed by this email from Spooky Roberto. (unedited)

Der Sir or Madam.

Pardon to cut you unaware. I had to do this because i m desperate to connect with you and i was thinking if this was right? let me be the criminal of desperation in the court of love… lol….i’m very  fun to be around with… Perhaps that you will have to find out, if you give me the privilege to know you?. I think the this idea is creative lol.

 My name is Terry and i m using colleague profile. 55 years of age, widower, 5.11ft tall, cute, with good sense of humor. Age is a number.

 I live in California, I m not a registered member yet and this not my account and photos. It’s for an old colleague of mine in a conference whom wanted to show me around online dating. I got attracted to your write up, and i think we have some things in common to share  Feel free to contact me to contact me on my email and i will tell you more about me and send you my current pictures.  robertoterry04 @ g m a i l.c o m    looking forward to hear.

 Sent From My iPhone

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Alexa was going to re-think Match.com…it wasn’t looking good.

It could only get better, maybe.

Happy Thanksgiving!

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“The family… a strange little band of characters trudging through life… inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together.”

Erma Bombeck

fruits and flowers

 

“Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.”  EB

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“Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people’s children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it. ” EB

Fort Collins Fall

 

“Gratitude is the inward feeling of kindness received.

Thankfulness is the natural impulse to express that feeling.

Thanksgiving is the following of that impulse.”  Henry Van Dyke

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