Suddenly Single ~ Minded

Fresh out-of-the-box. Right off the shelf.

Right off the boat.

There are a lot of metaphors for people who are just back in the dating game. Sometimes getting back into the swing of dating can be daunting. If you have been out of the game for a while, you may notice dating today is a little more complex than it was a decade ago.  The playing field isn’t exactly  level, the rules have  really changed; the game is faster and the uniforms are awhole  lot shorter. The days of courting and being coy are as out dated as hot pants and polyester.

Afraid to make a move? There are tons of fears, frights, scares and trepidations. There are even dating phobias which are ‘irrational, intense, persistent fear of certain nouns (persons, places, things)’.                                    For your information:

The Top Ten Common Fears Known to Single Men and Women

1. Isolophobia – fear of being alone
2. Athazagoraphobia- fear of being forgotten
3. Gamophobia – fear of marriage
4. Mageirocophobia – fear of cooking
5. Sexophobia – fear of the opposite sex
6. Gynophobia – fear of women
7. Hominophobia -fear of men
8. Clinophobia – fear of going to bed
9. Homilophobia – fear of sermons
10. Nyctophobia- fear of the dark or night

Franklin D Roosevelt said it best:
“ The only thing we have to fear is fear itself – nameless, unreasoning, unjustified, terror which paralyzes needed efforts…”

Go on, make a move.  Get off the couch, push away from the computer, and go outside and play. What are you afraid of?   Face your fears and they disappear    like those tiny bubbles in a glass of champagne. Send out  a few Valentines ~ to every sweetheart, sweetie, crush, object of your flirtations and say Cupid made me do it!  Cheers.

In response to  “What is your ideal Saturday in San Francisco?” readers sent in a tsunami of suggestions.

Some say their Best Saturday has one, or all of, these components: coffee, exercise, culture, errands, and food shopping, cooking for the week and playing with friends.
Others are on a perpetual quest to find a new movie, a new great wine or discount tickets to the theater or live music. For some it is a day of rest and restaurants.
The readers have spoken.

1. Put on the green belt- tons of you head straight to a  park and  bike, hike, jog, stroll, and explore every acre of Golden Gate Park, or Lands End… many walk the dog and the kids concurrently, others go to the De Young or the California Academy of Sciences

2.Fasten your seat belt - it is going to be a bumpy ride. Errant Errand Running Competition; running to the grocery store, cleaners, car wash, vet, barber, library, florist, bakery, dentist, Target, Bed Bath and Beyond, Coscto, kind of a day.

3.Have a belt – Gino and Carlo’s Bar- in North Beach this is the place to go for a glass of  ‘the hair of the dog that bit you’.

4.Tighten your belt - some admit to sitting down, paying bills and doing “hi finance.” (Hi, can you finance this loan?)

5. Hit the tarmac – Running and playing: at the gym, to pilates class, golf lessons, tennis, yoga, camping, fishing, gardening, back packing, skating in the park. You get the idea.

6.Just Kidding- It’s all about the kids. There is a time in your life that every Saturday is spent with the kids, for the kids, and by the kids. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Good luck finding a light switch.

7.The Fast Track – Legions of bikers pull on the spandex, fancy shoes, helmets, Camel-packs and ride their bikes to the Embarcadero across the Golden Gate Bridge and back and scale the famous 40 hills of the City.

8. On a Mission- The Mission District has more new restaurants and cafes opening up, per block, than any other part of the City. Check it out. I like Spork. Bakery Tartine is the very best bakery in SF and worth the wait.

9. I Haight You – Many hours can easily be whiled away going through the stacks of CDs, vinyl and DVDs at the veritable treasure trove, Amoeba Records on Haight Street. Necessary stops include: The Alembic and Cha,Cha,Cha.

10 . After you shopped and prepped for Super Bowl Sunday See Avatar /3-D and 3 hours of Do Not Miss Film- or go See   Round Heeled Woman at the Theater: Z Space  – 450 Florida

Have a great Saturday! And tell me, how that’s working for you?

Elbows off the table. Man overboard*. Napkin on your lap. Sit up straight. Knife and fork rest on the plate together, side-by-side. Stand when a lady approaches the table. Hold the door open for another. Remember the ‘Magic Words: please and thank you.

All of the above were ‘manners messages’ that many of us grew up hearing. The run- away best seller of 1922, ‘Etiquette’ by Emily Post,  was deemed the definitive book on good manners for decades.
*That was code for removing a soup spoon from the bowl and placing it on the plate.

Thank you notes passé?

There was a time when all men wore hats and walked nearest to the curb to protect the lady, in her full voluminous skirts, from the possible puddle splash of a passing carriage. Hats are gone. Are good manners next?
A quick exit poll at a local 24-Hour Fitness spoke volumes about the practice of writing thank you notes. Asked the last time they wrote a thank you note, nine (30-somethings) responded, sheepishly…”In college or high school.” Five responded, “Frequently” and five asked, “What’s a thank you note?”

Entitlement or lousy manners?
You be the judge. Some say you have the responsibility to teach your children, nieces, nephews and grandchildren the value of good manners and saying thanks. Emily Post waxes rhapsodic about the proper ink, handwriting, verbiage, and length of a note. Nowadays, short and sweet gets the job done elegantly.
Fact: saying thank you is not old-fashioned. It is savvy, smart, and displays intelligence and good taste. The holidays are upon us. This means a flood of opportunities to get and receive gifts and invitations. What do you say? Thank you for taking the time to read this. May I please be excused?

If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is ‘thank you’, it will be enough.”
Meister Eckhart

The Valentine’s Day marketing massacre

starts days after Christmas.

Towers of heart-shaped boxes of chocolates, buckets of long stemmed red roses and stacks of Valentine’s Day cards start filling the store’s display cases. Everywhere you look  ~  there are  floods of valentines, heart shaped objects, pink, red, white and “Buy me” things…

Vitamin C for your heart

Valentine’s Day is famous for the push towards the Three C’s: chocolate, champagne  and cards.      Do you drop $5 at Papyrus for that ever so special-romantic- yet- playful card with the crimson velvet heart?

Or do you hit The Dollar Store and buy 5 cards- and send one to every crush – you have at the moment?   Valentine’s Day is the one day of the year you can reach out and flirt with someone – under the guise of:  it’s Valentine’s Day! Cupid made me do it~~~My motto: Send early and send often~

See’s has plump bags filled with red-hot hearts, red foil covered chocolate hearts and beautiful red satin, heart-shaped boxes filled with yummy dark or milk chocolates. Tables are piled high with over 30 different candy gift-boxes –all variations of a chocolate theme.

On w hole different level – Chocolate Covered on 24th Street has the most exquisite chocolates from all over world _ true quality _ Let me know when you organize a Chocolate Tasting Party ~ I’m there. Tell Jack you heard it here first~

Significant Others –Important February Dates

Push away from the singular Hallmark Holiday rush. It’s too early to be baking chocolate cupcakes and pasting frilly doilies onto red construction paper. The month of February is jam packed with other significant holidays:

February 1 — National Baked Alaska Day
February 3 — National Men’s Grooming Day
February 6 -    Wear Red Day
February 7 — Charles Dickens Day
February 8 — Kite Flying Day
February 11 – Satisfied Staying Single Day
February 12 — White T-Shirt Day
February 13- National Peppermint Patty Day

Revel in all the colorful and quirky days of February. Relax. Word on the street is that of the hearty 58 billion pounds of chocolate sold, most of it is actually purchased on Valentine’s day, and the day before.                                             You have plenty of time. You’ve got to have heart;            it just doesn’t have to be gift wrapped.

Oh happy day; it’s a date. The first date.

It finally happened. After weeks of trawling online for a kindred spirit, you’ve connected with someone you rather like. You exchanged the requisite three e-mails, two telephone calls, and both decided upon meeting for the proverbial  ‘coffee date’.

Avoid these blunders and bloopers. Remember:  Never Ever

1. Arrive late and fail to apologize.
2. Post an ancient photo of yourself, which doesn’t remotely resemble you.
3. Assume the other person will pay for coffee. You are a big girl/boy.
4. Take and make phone calls during the date.
5. Share details about your divorce. Nobody wants to hear about it. Really.
6. Advertise you are divorced, when you’re really separated. Truth in advertising is big in this area, too.
7. Ask your date how much they weigh, their height, age, or salary.
8. Regale your date with stories of your past trophy dates and exploits.
9. Step out for a smoke. Return with a toothpick.  Yawn. Three strikes – yer’ out!
10. “Go HR”  this is supposed to be a coffee date, not a job interview.
Let’s say things are working better than you ever imagined. Now what? How much time do you spend? Thirty minutes? An hour? There are no hard and fast rules. Common sense trumps any dating data. First and foremost, have a good time. And, remember the old saying:  “How am I going to miss you, if you don’t go away?”

To hug or not to hug, that is the question

As the date ends and you are reluctantly leaving one another, you can gauge the level of interest instantly. It’s the old handshake versus hug conundrum. Do they go for the handshake or the light hug?  A perfunctory handshake (no Rosetta stone required ) simply means, “It was nice meeting you.   Next.” Whereas, a light hug means, “ Let’s do this again.” One second date, coming up.

We all do it. We wonder, mull, ponder and dwell on it.

We dissect and thoroughly analyze. Eve is probably the only woman in history who didn’t worry about the competition.

Are  you bewitched, bothered and bewildered wondering if  the first date went well and if he will ask you out again? Do an instant replay.

While a scorecard isn’t necessary, there are some very definite clues.

Here they are: The Top Ten Reasons He Will Ask You Out Again

1. You look exactly like your current, up to date, photographs and he says, “Your pictures don’t do you justice”.

2. You offered to pay half – you are obviously thoughtful and evolved.

3. You both laughed and share a similar sense of humor. Obvious comfort level established.

4. You had one drink – and so did he. Both on very good behavior. Major points.

5. You both passed the Chemistry test with blinking, winking, flashing, flying colors.

6. You each complimented the other  person during the course of the first date.

7. You enjoyed his company and their was a palpable sense of chemistry.

8. You have a lot in common and like similar things: the Giants, movies, bikes, the Arts, chocolate, Blue Bottle Coffee, Obama.

9. You each have an amusing Internet dating story and refrained from ex-bashing or negative anecdotes.

10. Foregone conclusion: You both had fun and were relaxed and are looking forward to the next date.

How is that working for you.

The 3 R’s -Romantic *Rapid *Reading -

It all became crystal clear when I was at my brother Johnny’s house as he was exploring Match.com on his laptop.

I got virtual whiplash just watching him rapidly sift through pages and pages of women’s profiles.

He wasn’t even speed-reading,  he was scanning.  He was Mr. Photo Shopping, in every sense the word.  When I asked him what he was doing- his mouse clicking like a pair of castanets, he said, “Reading profiles”.

When I asked him what he was looking for, he blithely said,  “A blonde.”

Now, Johnny is a Ph.D., an executive, he reads multiple books at a time;  he can carry on a conversation on any number of topics- in two languages.  He is not a Neanderthal. I’ve always though of him as sweet, funny, evolved and sensitive.

But this Speed Scan Act had me worried.

I wondered if Johnny was a typical American male on Match.com

He said in the beginning he was meticulous. He had been dating, on line, for two years and said it took too long to read all the profiles. Then he said all women’s profiles said the exact same thing.  Dubious, I asked him what the trend was…

He said there are two kinds of profiles for women online.

1. Number one is the Feline (or Cat-woman).    He indicated, generally, she was into staying home, loved her cat and knitting, bubble baths and crystals. He mumbled something about out – dated photos
2. The second woman he encountered online was the highly publicized, nefarious ‘ Cougar’. Generally, this older woman was on the prowl, aggressive, playful and would scare the pants off most guys. Now, there is a subtle goal.

Incredulous, I asked him if he really thought there are really only two kinds of women online? Johnny admitted there were other types, but in his  recent realm, that’s all who he was meeting.

My reaction was: Hey, brother – stretch the parameters…Update your profile, set the bar higher and that’s when I started updating, improving and writing on line profiles for my brother,  his two friends from Grad school and 2 guys from his office….

Voila! A new hobby…to put on my profile. Just like birding…                     but different.

Basically – they followed the Golden Rule: all the guys posted 1) 100% accurate ages,   2) up -to -date photos    and after a mini lecture from a Big sister-they agreed to date within the decade~ which translates: seek someone your own age. Good news: Johnny has a girl friend -

Rain, rain, go away, my hair is ruined again today

I’m done. Saturated, drenched, waterlogged, soggy – and that’s only my deck furniture. Wait until I tell you how I feel. After a weekend of black skies, incessant and inclement rain, replete with soggy boots, socks, hats and saturated umbrellas, I’m growing fins. No wonder people are beginning to feel as edgy and anxious as Joan Crawford in “Rain”.

Baby, it’s wet outside: call Noah

Last week, I saw four unsuspecting pedestrians standing on a corner on Geary Blvd. A huge SUV zoomed by them causing a puddle the size of a miniature Lake Tahoe to wash over them/. Two cars stopped, in the pouring rain, to offer help to the dazed and drowned rats. They are  heroes. Our other heroes are the  armies of dedicated PGE workers, the school crossing guards and the San Francisco Policemen/ women standing, in the deluge, tirelessly directing traffic.

Duck, duck, goose

Foul weather can instantly destroy your appearance – within minutes you can go from ‘looking good’ to drowned rat or ugly duckling.   Today I saw a guy who looked like a Mallard. He was dressed as though he just walked out of an REI catalog. From head to toe, he was rain proof and impregnable: logos were on every facet of his clothing. Swarms of rain soaked humanity floated by the dry and dapper dude.

I haven’t seen anybody tap dancing through mud puddles like Gene Kelly this last liquid two weeks. More people are thinking about boats than ballroom. Best advice? Google: “ark”.

Oscar Wilde was right, “Conversation about the weather is the last refuge of the unimaginative“.

“There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting” George Carlin

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Wait, Wait …Don’t Tell Me is a funny, fast-paced, NPR radio show.  It’s full of clever questions and glib answers and quizzical conundrums. Some think today’s online dating draws a close parallel to reality/game shows. Both involve a barrage of in your face personal questions.

The initial, very personal questions are called the                                                           “WAIF” (Weight, Age, Income, Faith) Questions.

Check me Out

Imagine a poor little Match.com girl sitting at a café reading People magazine, or the Economist, and a handsome stranger (RU 4real), stops and says, “Hey,cutie, how old are you?     How much do you weigh?      What’s your annual income?    And, tell me~ what do you believe in?”                                        In the Twilight Zone of online-dating- world she would reply, “Hey, I’m 121 lbs, 52, to be disclosed later, Spiritual. And you?” He, in turn, winks and says, “I’m 210 lbs, 55, income $50,000 -$150,000. Fallen Presbyterian.

She muses and calculates. Then, with a wandering eye, she spies a guy more her “size” says, “Au revoir” to “RU4real”. Voila, she disappears from sight. She may approach the next guy, one table over. She asks about his W.A.I.F. Although he looks shorter and stouter, he says, “I’m around 180 lbs, 55, stocky but, an ex jock, income $75,000-$150,000, Agnostic; I love cigars and snuggling and I’ve read the Da Vinci Code”. Woefully she says, “Too bad; I read bestsellers, I’m a triathlete, and, God, I hate smoking , bye”.

And so it goes, like a flippin’ ball in a pinball machine.      Can we streamline this game to a win-win?

Wavering on the WAIF

Despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, I have not been able to answer… the great question that has never been answered: what does a woman want? Sigmund Freud

Well, Siggie, perhaps, just like a man: women don’t want to be asked age, weight, personal spiritual beliefs and income  details before actually meeting a person. Call me.